Ally McBeal
Homecoming

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Alex Richmond: C- | Grade It Now!
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Do We Share the Same McDNA?

Old Lady "dreamed" of Dead Vincent when she was in her forties. Then, they met in real life and fell in love. Then, I barfed so hard I had to stop recapping. Obi-Wan Bon Jovi walks in all casual, "Hello!" Old Lady gasps horribly and says, "Oh my god! It's-it's-it's HIM!" Obi-Wan Bon Jovi gets that all the time, and seems unfazed. Old Lady says Victor is Vincent, the dead guy. The oboe is sad. Me too. But for a different reason.

Okay, the show is canceled. As of now. I can't go on. Oh, I'll try. Richard is hearing testimony from a man's SENIOR YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL, when a girl he crushed out on wrote him a note saying she wanted to go to prom with him, but that he shouldn't discuss it. Dame Edna -- who is listening intently at Richard's table (I guess she's second chair? Whatever!) -- asks what the note said. Both Judge Albert Hall and Richard give her a look, but the witness answers. The note said just that -- she wanted to go to freaking prom. He acknowledges the cliché, but still says his "heart flew that day." Oy, with the flying hearts. The guy and the chick were to meet at a footbridge before prom, and guess what? She never showed and it was all a cruel joke by some of his so-called friends. Albert Hall is finally all, hellooo? And this antiquated prom story has to do with what, now? It has to do with Prom Guy's inability to maintain a successful long-term relationship. His voice gets angry as he talks about "the hurt [he] suffered as a teenager." So, he's suing the chick? Or the friends? Like I care. Dame Edna loudly blows her nose.

Obi-Wan Bon Jovi is hustling Ally out the door to "an appointment." He insists he'll be fine with the Old Lady. What, is he baby-sitting seniors now? Ally kvetches, "Thank you, thank you," and is gone. Obi-Wan Bon Jovi walks over to Old Lady, who asks for "the truth. You're Vincent Graves, aren't you?" There's a pause, and a beat, then a moment, then he says, "Yes." Ally of course re-enters the room she just ran out of to hear him say so. The piano plays softly. Ally's face is smooth and placid, just like a patch of ice on the sidewalk. WTF?

Ally is having a pow-wow with Obi-Wan. She feels it's "reckless" to mess with the mind of "an elderly woman" and tell her he's someone he's not. Obi-Wan is all, "She needs to believe!" In what? Life after love? Miracles? You and me? That she can fly? That she can touch the skiii-iii-haaaaii? Obi-Wan is all, "Trust me on this," and the Old Lady comes out and asks if Ally and Obi-Wan are sitting in a tree, or doing it, or anything in-between those two options. Obi-Wan says no, which makes Ally look at him peevishly. He says he's "just the sitter." Old Lady says Dead Vincent used to say he wished he and Old Lady had met when they were younger, and why did he "take [himself] back in time and not [Old Lady]?" Um, Old Lady? Get out of the house. Just go. There's no reason for you to be there. Where did you come from? Go back. Obi-Wan says that "they didn't take [him] back; [he] returned." Why? asks Old Lady. Why, to see Old Lady, of course! This is the part where I scream that if this is to be a love-fest between Obi-Wan and Old Lady that they get a room, or take it to, say, ANOTHER LOCATION. Ally just rolls her eyes. Old Lady sighs and trembles like she just had a backstage pass tucked into her acid-washed jeans.

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Ally McBeal

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