Ally McBeal
Homecoming

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Alex Richmond: C- | Grade It Now!
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Do We Share the Same McDNA?

Okay, JBJ fans, hold onto your cans of Aqua Net. He's SINGING. And PLAYING GUITAR. He opens his huge mouth with his giant veneered teeth and sings a slightly changed-up version of "Some Enchanted Evening" to Old Lady. She's plotzing, like any groupie would. Me, I want to hear "She's a Runaway." Ally wanders in, in an old Prada shirt and nice black pants. She strikes a pose on the doorjamb, says hello, and Old Lady wetly says that "Vincent" was just playing their song. That's cool. Me, I was pulling my hair out in clumps and cursing the day I was handed this assignment, and hoping to god that the effect I have on a lot of the shows I've recapped takes effect on this one, but fast. I'm talking about cancellation, people. Let us pray. Ally stammers that she, um, wants to talk to Obi-Wan Bon Jovi for a, um, minute.

What is Obi-Wan doing, messing with a delusional old lady like Old Lady? Doesn't he know she's old and delusional? Well, yeah, he does. Obi-Wan "made some calls," and learned that Old Lady did have an affair with the guy who used to live in Ally's house, and that Old Lady has been diagnosed with senile dementia and lives in a home. A home she can go back to? Please say "yes," and "now." Old Lady knew Dead Vincent was dead, but "just blocked it out." Old Lady wanders in, and feebly asks if Obi-Wan is messing around with Ally, and that Ally looks like his first wife, and is that why he's attracted to her? Oh my god. Obi-Wan says he isn't interested in Ally, and that he's just the help. Then there's a knock on the door -- it's Bonnie Boone, with Maddie in tow. Maddie took the "noon shuttle to New York," and they took the "two o'clock flight back." Wow, that's one fast-ass shuttle. Ally stammers and opens her mouth. Maddie wants to go back to Bonnie's, because she thinks Ally's "love for [her] hinges on a blood test." Ally says no; then she and Maddie yell "hey" at each other for a while. Bonnie suggests they have a talk. I suggest you shoot the piano player, or teach him another song besides the gentle sad one he's been playing ALL FREAKING EPISODE.

Richard is fiddling with a remote. Dame Edna comes up behind him, and stands very close to him. She wants to know who Richard's high-school scar-tissue-causer was. It was some "tall," "statuesque" senior Richard lost his virginity to, named Gerry Bird. Wow, like Robin Bird? How cool, and gross. So, they fucked, then she dumped him, and Richard decided he'd never let another woman have the power to hurt him ever again. Dame Edna calls Richard "the vision of strength," and says he'll "destroy himself" if he doesn't love again. He says he has work to do, and she says, "Of course," and splits.

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Ally McBeal

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