Ally McBeal
Homecoming

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Alex Richmond: C- | Grade It Now!
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Do We Share the Same McDNA?

The envelope isn't opened for a long time. Then, Ally does open it, and her face looks really sad. The Sad Piano Player sits upright. This is it. This is Sad Piano Player's moment. Screw you, Tijuana Brass! Oboe, go for it. Viola, cello, keyboard? You can be sad too, in your own ways. Ally cries and cries, like she hasn't eaten for days. Maddie bounces down the stairs and asks why Ally is crying. She's hungry, is why. No, it's because Maddie is her daughter. Boo hoo hoo! Except for the "boo" and "hoo" parts.

It's a "snowy" "Boston" "evening." Obi-Wan Bon Jovi moves smoothly through the set to hit his mark, right in front of a gurney loaded with Old Lady's body. The doctor man lets him lift the cloth covering her, telling the medical personnel that "it's okay, [Obi-Wan] is family." The dead Old Lady looks radiant, like she spent the last few moments of her life snogging with a washed-up old rock star from New Jersey. Hey! The doctor gives Obi-Wan a photo Old Lady wanted him to have: the fakest, worst photoshopped job of Old Lady snuggling with Obi-Wan Bon Jovi in a cardigan and old-man-makeup. Obi-Wan looks at the photo and plotzes. I'm flashing back to that episode of Beverly Hills, 90210, when Donna's grandma dies and gives her the locket of her and her husband, except it's really Donna and David in freaking 1940s hair and costumes. Total nightmare. The corpse van's door closes, and lights up on Vonda singing in the bar. Um, nice transition.

Richard is drinking like me. He's still squicked out about losing his virginity to a woman who then had a sex change operation. Corretta says, "At least [he] went where no man went since." Heh. Nelle says it's payback for all Richard's homophobia. Good one. And mazel tov on the nuptials, Portia. Okay, Dame Edna's on stage. She wants to "help [Richard] in music." In fact, she wants to help "all those other islands out there, adrift." Help? Dame Edna? A line, please? Toss it? Oh, fuck you, for singing. The number is "You're Nobody 'til Somebody Loves You," and Elaine and Vonda all take verses. Dame Edna sounds just like Miss Piggy, and that's just not easy to make fun of. It is what it is, you know? Kick line, and we're out.

Ally's drinking wine on her couch. Toss a bong, a dog, and a guy named Ben in there, and you've got me. Obi-Wan walks in. Ally tells him the DNA was a match. He says congrats. She says "it doesn't make [her] a parent, but if anyone tries to take [Maddie] away, [Ally] has the legal right to make noise." Um, "make noise"? Like, what kind of noise? A "moop" sort of noise? Then Ally says she was crying, so if her eyes are red, it's "not because of the wine." That's a shout-out to me, the one with the bong, isn't it? Isn't it? Ally has the LP to South Pacific on her coffee table. Obi-Wan picks it up, then puts it down. Ally grabs her CD remote and flicks it on; she has the CD of the soundtrack to South Pacific, too. Hey, remember that knock-knock joke? Who's there? Sam and Janet? Sam and Janet who? Sam and Janet evening. Yeah. Obi-Wan gets up and is all, I'm going to go, but Ally asks that he dance with her. Is that code for "Happy Talk," if you know what I mean? Oh, Ally, just wash that man right out of your hair, and send him on his way. How high? Bali high. And do you know what there's nothing like? A dame. Nothing in the world. Anyway, they dance. I'm totally reminded of the bonus season finale of Sex & The City, when SJP and Big get all verkelmpt over Mancini, and "Moon River," the theme to Breakfast at Tiffany's. Oh, ew, Vonda starts singing. Ally and Obi-Wan dance and spin and dance and hold each other. Vonda is all, "Once you have found her, never let her go." Obi-Wan holds Ally to him tightly. Wait, the screen is fading to black. Wait, I don't get it!

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Ally McBeal

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