Ally McBeal
I Want Love

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Alex Richmond: C- | Grade It Now!
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I Need Drugs

Okay, confession time: I was watching the Star Trek edition of The Weakest Link and missed about five seconds of the "previously." Why does this show always start at, like, 8:58? But anyway, previously on Ally McBeal, Ling became a judge and got her own TV judge show; Richard learned that John was really gone and took over his hole; Ally told Glenn that they can't date because he's "a boy," and because they might possibly hurt Jenny. Notice how the "boy" thing goes first.

A very distracting montage of glamour shots of Glenn cut with Ally waking up with severe bedhead is not a great way to open the show. Vonda starts singing, and Ally starts to move through her apartment, flapping her arms and hopping around like she's on Romper Room. The elephants on Survivor have more grace. Then, the doorbell rings, the needle-being-pulled-off-the record sound plays, and Ally screeches to a halt. It must be Glenn! Ringing her doorbell first thing in the morning. Or is Ally taking time off from work now? Another still-photography nightmare of Glenn flashes by, and Ally calls out, "Just a minute!" Blurring into high speed, she takes a glass bowl, fills it with ice cubes, and dunks her face in it. Her hair looking really horrible now, she hums tunelessly and goes to answer the door. It's not Glenn. It's Jenny. Ally makes no effort to disguise her disappointment. Jenny starts blabbering that she kissed Ray and doesn't want to end up with him and could she be attracted to the wrong guys? Ally stupidly says, "It's not the wrong guys that can hurt you, only the right ones." I wish they would air a disclaimer on Ally McBeal that says, "Truisms expounded by the characters on this show are generally bullshit." After Ally speaks, yet another montage of Glenn-Glamour shots flies by, ending with a shot of Larry smiling. Ally continues post-montage, saying the right ones are " the killers." She smacks her fist in her palm for emphasis. I smack my head with my palm. Is this really only the teaser?

Vonda's been down, she's been down down down...

Aerial shot of Boston. Ray's in Glenn's office, telling him about kissing Jenny. Glenn fiddles his hands and calls Ray "Raymond" instead of "Dink" and says he's okay with it if Ray really likes Jenny and is not just in it for a "pleasure ride." Ray says sincerely that he does really like Jenny, then asks, "E-ticket?" Heh. I would have said, "Funhouse?" But then I wouldn't bother opening the can of worms that is dating your best friend's ex. That only leads to opening a can of whoop-ass later on. Glenn leaps to his feet and heads off to court. Ray asks about Glenn and "the thin mint." Hee. Glenn reports that she called him "a boy" and that she's "not inclined to date someone she doesn't have a real future with." Ray says, "Bitch!" Hee! I would have added she's probably lying, too. And lame, and not worth the trouble, and not hot, but I'll stop. Oh, and has bad hair. Okay, now I'll stop.

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Ally McBeal

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