Ally McBeal
In Search Of Barry White

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Gwen: C | Grade It Now!
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What a Clone. What a Maroon.

Unisex. John beckons into the mirror and murmurs, "Come on. Hey, we've got it together, baby. We've really..." He yells in frustration as Mark hurries in, his hair looking like that of a Starsky and Hutch ne'er-do-well. "Nothing?" he asks, as if he has any reason to give a shit about John's schizophrenic delusions. John asks Mark for some privacy, but that doesn't make Barry White emerge, either.

Courtroom. A nelly yet nerdy scientist explains the cloning process, twice describing it as fascinating. Larry jumps up and asks for clarification on whether the testimony has yet begun to be fascinating. John objects to the "one-upsmanship" and calls Larry an ombudsman. He starts to define the word for us but then moves on with his questioning. I look up the word in my dictionary, thinking, "Isn't that some sort of bureaucrat?" American Heritage Dictionary tells me, "No, Gwen, an ombudsman is a government official, esp. in Scandinavian countries, who investigates citizen's complaints again the government or its functionaries. It can also be a person who assists in achieving fair settlements to resolve consumer complaints." I say, "Hmm." The dictionary and I just decide to let it go. Larry interrupts the scientist's testimony by yelling "A bug zapper!" John objects. Judge Walsh, endlessly put-upon, tells them that there's no jury there and that they're both losing points with him. I would be sad if my lawyers cared more about being sarcastic to each other than about winning my case. We learn that cloning humans is possible, although a long shot and not yet practiced in the public sphere.

Unisex. Mark and Ling are primping at the sinks. Jackson walks in and greets them both. "Oh, drop dead," says Ling. "If you've anything to say, have your assistant call mine. I don't even see you in slow motion anymore, you lying little weasel." Jackson looks very slightly taken aback. "I still see you in slow motion," offers Mark. Jackson furrows his brow at Mark, who then amends, "Some of the time," and walks off. I don't know what that was about, and Mark's hair looks like shit, but I still love him. Jackson checks the stalls for feet. Richard suddenly emerges from a stall, hitting Jackson with the door. Ling runs up and plants a kiss on Richard, then throws her leg over his shoulder. "Stubble," she says. "Excellent," replies Richard, who then leaves. Ling tells Jackson why she's mad. "I threw myself at you and you completely blew me off." Jackson acts like he doesn't know what she's talking about. He didn't think the lunch offer was a big deal. Well, I do. After all the stuff that went down between the two of them, Ling's asking him to lunch was a major overture. Any man who can't pick up on that doesn't deserve a relationship, in my mind. Jackson tries to excuse himself by comparing lunch to his declaration of love from the week before. Ling tells him, "Yippee. Anybody can share a stupid feeling. There's an unlimited supply. You only get five lunches a week. And don't stare at me like I'm crazy. You're the one turning all this down." The closed-captioning reminds me that the Wicked Witch song is called "Miss Gulch Theme" as Ling sashays out of the restroom. She and Jackson still don't have any chemistry, but I appreciate his acting as the catalyst for all her sassy lines this week.

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Ally McBeal

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