Ally McBeal
In Search Of Barry White

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Gwen: C | Grade It Now!
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What a Clone. What a Maroon.

In his office, John looks into the mirror and badgers The Essence of Barry White some more: "Come on! You're on the back nine of your career, dammit. What else do you really have to do?" That brings up a bass vamp and an "oh, yeah" from the man himself. John dances like a giant condor, and I notice that his teeth are looking less healthy than usual. I hope it's not because he's inducing vomiting to facilitate weight loss. That's bad for your teeth, y'all. We see that Richard's sitting there watching. "This is why I start every day with a bran muffin, John," he says. "Barry White came!" John bellows. "Forgive me if I don't try to envision that," says Richard. John complains that he can no longer summon Barry White's imaginary presence in front of others. "John, lots of people have trouble dancing with make-believe disco behemoths when there are others present," says Richard. HA! Okay -- for real, now -- was there a new writer on this ep? I'm thinking there must have been. Richard gives one of his anti-pep-talks, causing John to leave the room in exasperation. Then he tells himself in the mirror, "People skills. That's why I'm in charge." Then he zips up his undone fly. Oh, funny Richard -- you've come back to us.

Courtroom. Dead Cindy's sister calls her cloning "voodoo science." She's upset, which makes it extra rude when John hits a buzzer. He claims that he's losing his voice and therefore has to buzz his objections. Cindy's sister testifies that Cindy never would have wanted to be cloned.

Lobby. Elaine is asking to borrow Ally's computer for her first "meaningful conversation" with a guy in Brazil that she emailed. Ally gives grudging permission. Elaine kisses her on the lips and happily runs off. John gets off the elevator and tells Ally not to pressure him about his case. He's going in search of Barry White. "When I return, I will have the bastard -- hell or high water," says John. Golly. That's not a very nice way to talk about Barry White after he made a cameo appearance and everything. Mark walks by and says his insignificant last line of the hour. Larry shows up and ribs Ally about his aching feet. She acts like she believes she'll still win the bet.

Ally opens her office door and gasps in shock and horror. Elaine is lying on her stomach on Ally's desk, looking at a laptop, totally nude. A vase and some books hide her buttocks and torso. She's wearing four-inch stiletto heels that look about two sizes too big for her. "One thing led to another," she says, putting her thumbnail to her mouth. How insouciant. How very sweeps.

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Ally McBeal

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