Ally McBeal
In Search Of Pygmies

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In Search Of Pygmies

We open with Ally in her car, so we know she must be horny. She's singing along to Vonda while wearing '70s shades when she sees a guy in the car next to her. They exchange glances. Ally slowly lifts her pink-gloved hand to lower her sunglasses and stick them in her mouth, celebrating her mouth's ten millionth oral gratification. She looks up to give a goo-eye, but (scratch of Vonda's music) the car is gone and in its place is (guffaw!) an old man giving Ally the goo-eye. The goo-eye in this case involves his removing his lower dental plate and jutting it in her direction. Ally is offended, of course. The song starts up again as she sees the car has moved in front of her. He drives off, prompting Ally to say, "Figures. If I get lucky enough to find a decent guy, he flees the scene." I can smell her desperation from here. Ally is, as we all know, a psychopath, so she immediately begins following him. She's upset that he won't check her out again in his rearview mirror, and she orders him, at the next red light, to check her out again. He doesn't look back because he's got his own life and stuff, so Ally decides that "life is short and it's Valentine's Day" and immediately rear-ends him. He looks back at her and she coos, "Oopsie-daisy." She pouts with her hair in her face so that we don't scream, "You psycho bitch!" We don't get a chance to anyway, because Vonda interrupts with her wailing. We have all been down this road, Vonda, and I for one am tired of watching Ally slut it.

Ally is apologizing to the car guy and says that she panicked and accidentally hit the accelerator instead of the brake. It's much more rambly and finger-flippy than that, but I'm sure you get the idea. There's a bad joke about exchanging "fluids" and leaning on her "horny," but again, see above. He asks if she hit him on purpose, but it's hard to listen to him because his hair keeps falling in his eyes. Ally stammers and stutters like the good liar that she is and says of course not. She even makes a raspberry noise. Then she cocks her head and brings her pink glove up and closes her eyes and goes, "Head trauma." I would have believed her more if she had just taken one sip off a wine cooler and said, "Oh, my God, y'all! I'm so drunk!" Eyehair gets back in his car and drives away. Ally continues sucking her glove because she thinks this makes her look coy and cute and lovable.

Ling walks down the street as Richard follows. She comes to a street corner. She is about to pass, but she sees Ally's pink glove lit up in a box, which she interprets as a "Don't Walk." Ling puts on some glasses and presses a wand. She canes her way across the street as if she's blind. Cars swerve and stop, but never hit her. Richard follows her (almost getting hit by the same cars). He gives one of them the stern finger, which I love. He reaches Ling and pulls her arm to stop her. He says that there are real blind people out there. "It's not like any of them saw me," Ling sneers. Richard cannot argue with her logic, so he asks her where she's going. She says it's none of his business. He says that she sneaks out of the office every Wednesday and that he'd like to know what she's up to. She tells him she goes dancing. Richard asks if there's someone else. She says it's not what he's thinking. He asks if it's a woman. Ling says no. Then he says something like, "Buddha?" and she shouts, "No!" She takes him with her.

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Ally McBeal




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