Ally walks into her office and finds Elaine. Elaine asks Ally what's wrong. I assume it's that she's about to faint from her small frame being bundled up in that coat and mitten get-up inside the law office that's warm enough to keep Elaine from high-beaming. Ally says that she's fine. Elaine then wiggles her hips out of her skirt and stands in her underwear. Ally asks what Elaine is doing. Elaine obviously shaves "down there" as she thrusts her red-pantied crotch at us a few times. I hear a loud "Tsk!" from outside my window. It's my mother. She's two hundred miles away. I heard the same noise when she went to see American Beauty. She calls me up and tells me I'm not allowed to watch this "smut" anymore. I tell her that she should call David E. Kelley. She asks if that's a friend of mine from college. "Not really," I tell her. She tells me she'll look him up on "that Internet" and give him a call. Elaine begins putting on some pants as she explains that she's got a potential date. It's a friend of a friend, and he's already in the building. She explains that her pants are marinated in pheromones. They both take turns saying "marinated in pheromones" a few times because David E. Kelley is pretty proud of his turn of a phrase. Elaine tells the sniffing Ally that she can't smell it, but that it works. She then half-turns with her hands on her ass and asks how she looks. She rubs the curve of her butt to draw out Ally's "fine." Elaine tells Ally that the right man doesn't just fall into your lap; you've got to get him. It is at this point that I notice Ally's shirt. I didn't even notice her change, I guess because I was watching Elaine go through various stages of nudity. Ally is wearing a blue shirt with white...paramecia. I think that's what they are. Blue amoebae fight for attention near the drawstring collar. Ally puts her fingers in her mouth and asks Elaine if she's ever met anyone she thought was right for Ally. "No," Elaine replies. "Nobody?" Elaine tells Ally that it's not that she's not a good person, but that she's so "complicated." Complicated like Andy Dick. She says the only person she could think of would be John Cage, but that Ally wouldn't want to be with him. "I don't?" Ally asks with her "innocent" face. "Why?" "Do you?" "No." Elaine smiles. "NO!" Ally insists. She brings up the fact that John is with Nelle. She asks why Elaine would suggest John anyway. Elaine says that it's pretty obvious, what with them both having "that inner world thing going." She circles her finger near her head on this phrase, a signal that I refer to as "crazy as a loon." "You get him a lot better than Nelle does, and if you ask me he gets you a lot more than Billy ever did." Ally imagines a series of photographs from her wedding to John. John is wearing too much lipstick and eyeliner in the photo, but at least he doesn't shmoosh the cake on Ally's face. I always take that as a sign of a bad marriage. Ally puts her fingers near her mouth a few times and then excuses herself so she can walk out of her office and into John's chest. She puts on her sixth-grade smile and asks how he's doing. He says he's still fine and has been since she asked him two minutes ago. She says that's great, just great, really great. Great. Lots of giggling. She says she really likes his good sense of humor. She boxes him on the arm. He asks her what's going on. She says she's just "adjusting to the new millennium." John gives her the "All right, freak, keep your distance" look and walks away.
Episode Report Card1014 USERS: B-
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