Richard and Ally march into Richard's office. Dismissing his apology, Ally asks that Richard get John Cage back. Because this Lolita chick is FIERCE, baby. Can the trial be pushed back to...tomorrow? Ooh, a whole day? Well, says Richard, John isn't away in Mexico. He's working in a Mexican restaurant. Three people have seen him while dining there. Now, I know in Philly, where there are like five Mexican joints (sad but true), it is not entirely unlikely that a high-powered lawyer would lose his shit and get a job slinging hot plates of enchiladas. I've seen it happen. In fact, one of my fave taco shacks is run by an ex-lawyer, who stutters a lot and loves Barry White. Just kidding. It's entirely unlikely such a thing would happen. The few Mexican restaurants that are not owned and staffed by Mexicans are too lame for me ever to visit. I'm just messing with you, now. Dame Edna clucks on in, wearing yet another horrifically fake never-was-a-Chanel- in-your-wildest-dreams day-glo nightmare. She says she got laid the night before (or, in her vernacular, "played tunnels and trains"), and is GETTING MARRIED! Whoop-de-doo! Richard rises to his feet and stammers, "You played tunnels and trains with someone?" Dame Edna thanks Ally for "inspiring [her] to do rude things" with this guy she's going to marry, who will come into the office and meet everyone later on. Hooray for that. Oh, and have Ally and Victor "had a chafing of the loins yet?" No. But Ally thanks her for asking. Me, I want to poke my eyes out with a spoon, because the asking is so very gross.
Matthew Perry is poking around Ally's office, looking at the stupid tiny toys on her desk and eating her stupid jelly beans. He mugs hugely after eating a stupid jelly bean. Dude. There are no jelly beans on earth that taste that bad. Even those annoying Jelly Bellys don't come in Ass flavor -- yet. Save the canned hambone action for that other stupid show you're on which we don't recap. Or maybe this is a reference to his rumored pill-popping tendencies? Could I be more annoyed by Matthew Perry's too-familiar tics? Oh, my bad, he's only been on screen for fifteen seconds. I could probably be more annoyed than this. I don't want to be, but the odds are not in my favor. Anyway, he's performing some kind of corporate head game in which he, the "woo-ee," is visiting the "woo-er" to see how desirable the position offered may be, but without the formal structure of the interview they have scheduled. For tomorrow. He spits the offending jelly bean into his hand, then back into his mouth as he offers Ally his hand to shake. She stands stern, arms folded, barking at him that the appointment was for tomorrow, and she'll see him them, sans baseball cap. He's all smiling, bemused, thinking he's smarter than she is, and asking, "YOU'RE Ally McBeal? Senior partner? Do you ever get to court, Ms. McBeal?" What a douche. She crisply sends him on his goofy way, and no sooner than he's gone does Elaine pop her head in the door, wondering if Ally couldn't have been nicer, since the firm wants to hire this douche. Ally is all, "Who does he think he is?" Since the confident are rarely seen within the walls of Fish and McBeal. Elaine says coyly that she "think[s] he knows who he is."