Previously: There was no Ally McBeal for many weeks. I exhaled. Oh, and Ally met Jon Bon Jovi, and her real genetic daughter, and became a mom. In that order. John became "a part-time Biscuit." Ally was made partner. Maddie, the daughter, had a slumber party and asked for a demo on french kissing, with Ally and Victor (JBJ) as volunteers. Victor bobbed his head like one of those dorky bobble-head rock-star dolls. Ally said she and Victor would never work as a couple since they "come from two different worlds" -- the normal world (Victor), and the crazy, insane, no-fun world (Ally). Remember Claire Otoms? Dame Edna? She's a "sexual predator," and got canned from her last job because she sexually harassed everyone she came across...er...you know, worked with. Ally told Richard Fish he had to cut back on staff. He hired Dame Edna. Ally said she needed to hire an attorney. Ally tried to fire Victor. Then she called him a "big turd" and tries to ask him out. Why, he asked? Because, Ally (rolling her eyes, sneering) likes him! Duh! "Go to hell!" You working-class goon, JBJ! Then she laughed at him, and said he can pick her up in his truck. What a lengthy and yet incomplete "previously." I'm already annoyed. And whomever wrote in to ask Tubey why I'm so mean? Bite me.
Oh, Mr. Daniels. Jack. Hello. We haven't been together in quite some time. It's nice to see you. Jack? Can I ask you something? Why is it we only get together when there's something wrong? What's that? Nothing's wrong? Well, maybe it's more like something's not right. Something's...off. And you help me get through it. This time on Monday night, I mean. You stay here with me, all amber and warm, and you give me support. Thanks, Jack. Yes, that is Barry White you hear playing. It's a song often used on Ally McBeal: "My First, My Last, My Everything." And see the rich sunset over Boston, as we fly over it in the air? That's nice, too. Mellow. Soft. Mmm, Jack. I love it when you caress my lips like that. What? Oh, that's Ally, taking a steam, so it seems. She's sighing. She seems relaxed. I'm getting there, too. Oh, is that JBJ with her? So, I guess they're getting snuggly together after all, even though last time she rejected him. Oh, wait, she's surprised to see him. Oh, he's demanding that they do it. Oh, ew, now they're kissing. And kaboom, now she's awake, in her office, explaining her dream to Dame Edna. Jack, we have to talk. You're just not...it isn't...you'd better just go. I thought I needed you, and you know what? I really just have to do this alone. It isn't fair to keep you here. It isn't right. I'm really sorry. I'll just have this one last gulp and we'll be over. Goodbye, my amber prince. We may meet again.
Ally tells Dame Edna that she's "not in control again." ¿Que? "Usually" Ally "can manipulate [her] unconsciousness," which is news to me, but this time she can't (again, news to me). And she and JBJ? Coming up on the third date, or, "the 'sex' date." Dame Edna's head morphs into JBJ's, and she asks in her Aussie voice, what is Ally scared of? Ally believes the sex will be good, as she stutters, "I do, I do, I do, I do." But she doesn't want to fall in love with JBJ. Dame Edna says something about JBJ "snorkeling" his way up to Ally's "cockles." Ally says Dame Edna has a way with words. Yeah, something like that. Finally, Dame Edna lets Ally have it: Ally's an elitist snob who can't let herself love JBJ because he's a plumber. Since he "fiddles with pipes for a living, why not let him have a wee go at" Ally's? The violins pluck; Ally purses her lips, pondering the point; and we have teaser closure. Thank the lord.