Ally McBeal
Love Is All Around

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Love Is All Around

Ally, Maddie, and JBJ watch as the EMS folks remove the dead baby-sitter. How did rigor mortis set in so quickly? Ally wonders. JBJ says she died right after they left for their date. Maddie guesses she "checked out during Fear Factor." Most audiences do. The EMS guys lose their grip on the dead baby-sitter, and almost drop her onto Maddie and Ally, who scream. Hey, what's green and sits in the corner? A dead baby-sitter. A joke not lamer than this segment of Ally McBeal. Maddie asks Ally for a kitten. Ally sends her to bed, then tells JBJ that she "wants the sex part over with." Everyone in the room -- the cops, the EMS people -- stop what they're doing and look at the lady who just said she wants the sex part over with. Ally is all, what, you never heard a woman say she wants the sex part over with? I can't go on. And yet, I will. I must. I'm getting paid to do so.

Oh my god, we're only fifty-eight minutes in. Damn you, DEK! Damn you and your two-hour Very Special Ally Event! Richard and Corretta are listening as Miss Bump describes Jerome's case against them. She says she knows this firm has problems with love, since no one is in a relationship or "can even get a date." Which may be why they broke up Dame Edna and her sweet Jerome. Why, the senior partner can't even decide if she can get past first base with a plumber. And she gets so sentimental! Boo hoo hoo! Richard melts. Corretta rolls her eyes. Miss Bump tightens Richard's tie, and tucks the end of it deep into his shirt, making him gasp in excitement. Oh, ew. Miss Bump says that if they don't advise Dame Edna anymore, she'll drop the case; then she sashays out in her white mini-suit. Corretta gasps, "She's vicious!" Richard just gasps and keeps on popping his tiny boner.

Aerial shot of Boston by day. We land in the motion-to-dismiss courtroom with Richard, Corretta, Dame Edna and her sweet Jerome, and no Christina Ricci. Richard says she has no case and it's rude of her not to even appear, and the she rushes in apologizing -- she's in trial on the third floor and came up during her break. She isn't suing a law firm for providing legal advice; it's because they didn't advise Jerome to get his own counsel, and pushed for the pre-nup against the will of Dame Edna. Judge is all, "Is this true"? Well, yes. Miss Bump calls for a sidebar. She'll drop the case if everyone in the firm stops advising Dame Edna on whether to marry Jerome: "The pre-nup is moot." Judge says that seems fair. Cage, Fish and McBeal are "gagged" from trying to talk Dame Edna out of getting hitched. John smiles at Miss Bump. She blows him off. Sucker. God, why is each scene in this show like a minute long? I can never get my groove on. It's like recappus interruptus. Give me a long scene, please.

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Ally McBeal

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