Ally McBeal
Love Is All Around

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Alex Richmond: C | Grade It Now!
Love Is All Around

Vonda's been doooown, she's been down, down, down!

Aerial shot of Boston. You know what to do. We land at the firm, in a staff meeting. Nelle describes her case du jour: a female executive got bounced for not attending her "Bully Broad" class. A "feminization class," so I'm told. Dude, does this class need teachers? I am available. Ray, the squinty overgrown frat boy, says he knows the opposing counsel on this case, and that Nelle is in trouble. Her name is Bump. Lolita Bump. Oh please, can "Lolita" be a shout-out to me? Best book ever. Very depressing. I really love it. Lo-lee-tah. Bump. Nah, it's not a shout-out. Just a stupid DEK thing. Both Corretta and Ally have heard of Bump and nod shakily. Ray says expoistionally that Miss Bump is twenty-one, petite, went though high school in two years, and now "goes through anyone like butter." Nelle is all, she's not going up against ME like butter. Maybe apple butter? Ally brings up some piece of business (she's going to hire another litigator, some guy named Todd), and Richard is all, that's good, and good luck on the date tonight! The sex date, dontcha know! Ally raises one finger pointedly, and makes a motion that, her voice getting higher in pitch and faster and faster, the personal lives of partners not be brought up in staff meetings. Ray gives the motion a thumbs-down, but Ally's "aye" has it passed. Then, she asks to have a moment with Richard.

Richard and Ally march into Richard's office. Dismissing his apology, Ally asks that Richard get John Cage back. Because this Lolita chick is FIERCE, baby. Can the trial be pushed back to...tomorrow? Ooh, a whole day? Well, says Richard, John isn't away in Mexico. He's working in a Mexican restaurant. Three people have seen him while dining there. Now, I know in Philly, where there are like five Mexican joints (sad but true), it is not entirely unlikely that a high-powered lawyer would lose his shit and get a job slinging hot plates of enchiladas. I've seen it happen. In fact, one of my fave taco shacks is run by an ex-lawyer, who stutters a lot and loves Barry White. Just kidding. It's entirely unlikely such a thing would happen. The few Mexican restaurants that are not owned and staffed by Mexicans are too lame for me ever to visit. I'm just messing with you, now. Dame Edna clucks on in, wearing yet another horrifically fake never-was-a-Chanel- in-your-wildest-dreams day-glo nightmare. She says she got laid the night before (or, in her vernacular, "played tunnels and trains"), and is GETTING MARRIED! Whoop-de-doo! Richard rises to his feet and stammers, "You played tunnels and trains with someone?" Dame Edna thanks Ally for "inspiring [her] to do rude things" with this guy she's going to marry, who will come into the office and meet everyone later on. Hooray for that. Oh, and have Ally and Victor "had a chafing of the loins yet?" No. But Ally thanks her for asking. Me, I want to poke my eyes out with a spoon, because the asking is so very gross.

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Ally McBeal




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