Ally McBeal
Love On Holiday

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Do I Hear a Nickel

It's evening at The Bar and Larry Paul is trying to channel Bruce Springsteen. I can't understand the lyrics, but all the Bar extras are singing along. Kimmy's there with John and her mom, and she seems to believe that Larry has written the song himself, about her. John reassures her otherwise. At another table, Ally sits with Nelle and Ling, smarmily accepting compliments on Larry's singing.

Later, at another slumber party chez Ally, Ling nags Ally for not having slept with Larry. "He wants it," argues Ally. "Just not from you," Ling cold-hard-busts. Ally speechifies about the special place her relationship's at right now. She doesn't want to let a horny moment ruin the magic and all that crap. Then a blow-up doll contrivedly inflates itself in her bed. Everyone laughs like it's the end of an early '80s family sitcom. I guess just having a vibrator fall on the floor would have been too vulgar for this show. Oh, wait...sorry. I was getting Ally McBeal confused with a show that isn't vulgar.

At the morning meeting, Richard draws names to decide which of the Fish & Cagers will auction themselves off as dates for an upcoming charity auction. He draws his own name and Nelle's. He asks Ling to bid on him so he won't get "stuck with a beast." John interrupts to ask Ally if her "little squeezebox" Larry was singing about Kimmy the night before. John heard Larry sing "package deal" and "tell your mother to stop yapping." Ally points out that Bruce Springsteen wrote that song a long time ago. Nelle says something about John marking his territory, prompting John to call her Goldilocks. Nelle misses the opportunity to call John "Rumplestiltskin." These fairy-tale-character barbs are only cast so often, you know. Elaine bursts in to announce that Fish & Cage is being sued for sexual harassment by some guy called "The Peanut." He's their former library clerk, and it turns out that Elaine was the one who did the harassing. Richard assigns Ling and Mark to the case.

John goes into his office and vents his anger in a ridiculous way -- through the use of huge boxing gloves. Ally walks in and he complains to her about Kimmy's mom accompanying her on all her dates. Ally advises him to tell Kimmy that Marlo Thomas's presence is unacceptable. I hope John takes her advice, because looking at Kimmy's mom's nose job has been making my own nose hurt.

Richard, Ling, and Mark ascertain that Elaine repeatedly asked The Peanut to have sex with her. What's with the stupid nicknames on this show? Peanut, Biscuit, Fish, Whipper...I could come up with better ones. They probably wouldn't work well for network television, though. Then again, the language on this show isn't usual network fare, is it? How about these nicknames: The Penis, The Bitch-cuit, The Anus, and The Vagina? Assign them as you feel they're warranted. Elaine says she was kidding when she came on to The Peanut. She also got him to eat some of her edible underwear. Richard decides that this is a "real case," so he fires Ling and tells Mark to hire Larry Paul. Nice faith in your employees there, Richard. It's not that I blame you -- I'm just saying that maybe you could fire the slackers and hire real lawyers full-time. Put up or shut up, is all I'm saying.

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Ally McBeal

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