Ally McBeal
Love On Holiday

Episode Report Card
Gwen: D+ | Grade It Now!
Do I Hear a Nickel

Of course Elaine shows her lawyers the Vibra, which of course has a remote control. It involves lumpy fake breasts moving and projecting fake nipples. Cell phones cause the bra to move without the owner's consent. Larry and Mark are mesmerized by the display. As stupid as this scene is, I'm glad that it replaced the "penis" and "vagina" mantras for the week.

Nelle stands on a stage in a FREAKING ugly dress, smiling as the auctioneer calls out bids in the $3000 range. Renee and Ally are sitting in the audience waiting for Richard's auction, because Richard authorized them to bid up to a thousand of the firm's money for him. I didn't realize Renee was on Richard's payroll. I guess that moonlighting gig at the Bar wasn't panning out. No wonder she has to buy Wet & Wild black lipstick for ninety-nine cents and wear it in public. Some guy wins a date with Nelle for $6000. He looks familiar, like he's been on this show before. I'm too lazy to check the credits and the IMDb, though. I'm sure one of my clever readers will recognize the actor and tell us who he is on the forum.

Kimmy's mom shows up at John's office to plead for his continued tolerance on Kimmy's behalf. John says that Kimmy can meet him at The Bar that night to talk things over, and that either she'll trust him enough to go alone, or she won't. All I know is, she'd better not be wearing another fake flower for a brooch.

Richard walks on stage wearing navy and black and is immediately bid on by several gay guys. Not to be stereotypical, but what self-respecting gay man would want to date a guy in black pants and a navy shirt? A saucy sideburned gentleman wins Richard for $6500. I guess blonds cost more than blondes. Richard files off stage unhappily. Ling comes out in an ugly bikini-top-and-skirt ensemble. The bids are still going on past twenty thousand when the scene ends. "Walk on my back like you did to Tim Curry!" the bidders yell. "Be my dragon lady while Heart plays 'Barracuda'!"

Nelle takes her date to her office and gives him permission to talk to her for five minutes while she catches up on paperwork. She and the guy banter mock-angrily for several minutes so that they can set up the requisite sexually tense atmosphere. Nelle finally gives the guy a quick hug and a peck on the lips so he can get his six thousand dollars' worth. The guy sympathizes with Nelle for having an intimacy disorder. She hotly denies it, and then of course kisses him to prove that he's wrong. Then he tells her that intimacy is about receiving, not giving. I think he's thinking of the spirit of Christmas, actually, but it doesn't matter because the ploy works. Nelle commands him to kiss her. So they kiss, with tongue, and Nelle doesn't seem annoyed at all this time. I've learned something tonight from this show and the preceding episode of Boston Public: pretty women can be smart, but they can never be as smart as the pretty men who want to bed them.

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Ally McBeal




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