Ally McBeal
Ally McBeal

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: F | 918 USERS: B-
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In the Unisex, Ally is shaking out her bad hair, in her bad plaid suit, telling Jenny that they should settle and be practical. Jenny asks "who made up that rule." Not Dame Edna, who emerges from a stall just in time to say that this case isn't about money, but justice, because the phone companies "don't care about the little private things we all like to do in our own homes." Ally and Jenny exchange a look, like, ooh, what ever could Dame Edna do in her own home? Something so crazy and nutty! Like sew paillettes and sequins on an oversized cardigan! Woo! John enters, in his suit, and asks Ally how things are going. Dame Edna gets an eyeful and says, "One of us isn't being honest with himself, now, is he?" Criminy.

Ling and Fish enter the office, Fish wondering why the TV crew needs to shoot inside the law firm. Ally is incredulously disdainful. Ling wonders why she shouldn't have her own TV show. Seriously. Then, Ling asks Glenn to sing at her party -- something anthemic. Elaine won't sing because "she's only a secratary." Ooh, burn! Ally asks to "borrow" the camera crew after Ling's finished. Ling agrees.

Jenny asks, "A video?" A video. About the telemarketing case: a bad-publicity PSA to scare the phone companies. Get Dame Edna back in here, we need to rehearse!

Richard knocks on the door of John's stall in the Uni. Fish knows John is in there. The secret door slides away, and we see John slumped over in an easy chair. John tells Richard his bodysuit is fake. Fish says John's "sullen attitude" is "boring." Thank you! My god. John asks whether Fish ever has a problem with being "profoundly ridiculous." If he cared, maybe. Fish notes that these three weeks of John being lame all started when he decided he loved Ally. John never declared his feelings, never took the shot. Maybe Ally loves John! Ever think of that? Fish thinks that John should at least "let her say no," and "walk the plank" and all that. Seriously. Unclench thine ass and go for it.

Dame Edna and Ally are having a little chat. Ally seems "blue," and Dame Edna "knows [her] colors." Ally looks down at her hideous blue plaid suit and stamers a bit. Is it Glenn, Dame Edna asks? Oh my god, for fuck's sake, GET ON WITH IT already. Dame Edna asks for Ally's hand, and I want to find the therapist that took DEK's hand, giving him this lame idea, and take that therapist's hand and SMACK HIM WITH IT. You know, as in, "Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?" Dame Edna says that, back in the say, when she rode dinosaurs to Dick's Bar, she "tingled in every nook and cranny. Now, [she] tingles vicariously, and is tingling for [Ally] and Glenn." Wait, something's tingling on me. No, I'm just annoyed. Ally says that Glenn isn't her type. Dame Edna admits that she "may have had a phantom tingle." Ally is all, I have a lot of work to do, and Dame Edna makes to split. But just one last pithy moment before she goes! "Love is the one game you lose by refusing to play." So will someone please GET IT ON, already?! Jesus.

Ally McBeal

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