Ally McBeal
Neutral Corners

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: F | Grade It Now!
Neutral Corners

Vonda's been down, she's been down down down...

Can I just tell you I was pissed that I had to miss the new Ab Fab episodes to tape this shit? Well, I was. And, I'm pissed that Ling is leaving, and that Portia is down to three lines per episode. Elaine, too. I never loved this show, but I miss these characters. In a staff meeting, Richard tells everyone that since Ling is a judge now (faint applause), she can't work there anymore. A chorus of "aww"s follows. Ally lets go with the fakest "aww" ever. Screw you, jealous loser! So, party for Ling at the bar later. A good time will be had by all. That's an order from the Fish-man. Then, bells chime, and John enters the office with the bodysuit on. Everyone is agape. Fish loses his concentration, and asks, "Steroids?" The suit totally puckers at John's not-worked-out neck. Stare stare stare; then John exclaims, "Balls," pushes his chair away from the table, and retreats to his office. Corretta follows him in, insisting that the suit looks good and that he'll feel real when people touch him. John wonders whether he should really ask people in the office to touch him, adding, "Is that what women do with their padded bras?" Hee! "Women are attracted to the package," Corretta insists, but once the women fall in love "with the man inside," the suit can be ditched. Whatever. Women don't have these elaborate delusions about padded bras.

Jenny is agog at the offer made by the telemarketing suits: $125,000. Not a lot. Ally is wearing the ugliest blue plaid suit ever. Ray schmoozes and asks Ally how she's doin'. Ray asks Glenn whether he wants a burger. Sure, he does. Ray splits, and Glenn tries to convince the women that they should take the offer, because they aren't going to make any money on this case. Whose side is he on, anyway? The freaky sex-dream-having side, or the sleazy backwards-baseball-hat, burger-eating-side?

Ling's holding court in her purple robes. A mom clutching her son simpers, "Good morning, Your Honor," and Ling finds for the other side. But wait! The mom is suing because she had to pay a public school $32 for cleaning fees after her son stuck gum on a desk. "It was extortion," she says. The school says they have to pay a lot of dough each year to clean up after these gum-chewing hoodlums, and then Ling blows a large pink bubble that pops on her freckled nose. She finds for the plaintiff, who gets her $32 back "times three." The plaintiff also has to pay court costs -- $500. Blam goes the gavel. Next!

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Ally McBeal




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