Ally McBeal
Nine One One

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: C- | Grade It Now!
Christmas: Now More Than Ever

Aerial shot, wooo! Vonda's all, "Jingle and jangle and la-dah-di-doo, in the frosty AAAAAAIHHR!" Ally enters John's office. He's dressed like a Christmas elf. His elf shoes don't fit, his elf underwear is riding up, and he's pissy. Ally is all, "I'm not equipped to deal with someone who's lost God." And she thinks he's most bummed about the fact that his son won't sing. John is all, go talk to the son, then. A guitar plinks gently.

"Boston" "street." Vonda's all, "Haaaave yo'self a meeeerry, leedle, Chriiiist-maaas." Ally, in a great black double-breasted coat with two cute rows of buttons (it's like a peacoat, but cuter), stalks the street. She rings a doorbell. Oh, the suspense. The door opens and it's Malcolm. Ally feigns surprise. Oh, come on, didn't you see the "previously" clips? We all did. They're all happy to see each other. Then, she's all, oh man! Is Collar your dad? So sorry about your mom! Malcolm is okay, thanks. Can Ally come in? She needs to talk to him. Malcolm says sure.

Oh, poor Peter Scolari. He's on the stand, saying that you celebrate Christmas "where you live, not in someone else's yard." That's like a paraphrase of "not in my back yard," except that he wants this in his yard. Christmas, that is. Cancelling Columbus Day or Labor Day is okay. But Christmas? No. I can't believe this is happening. Wing, I'm losing faith. No wait, there it is. I do believe that David E. Kelley sucks! I do!

The bar. Elaine is rubbing herself all over Glenn, singing, "Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney, va-va-va-voom!" Glenn points out that "this doesn't seem to be a duet." Elaine is all, oh, but it is. Then Jenny gets on a mic and asks what's going on. The band stops. Jenny asks Elaine to "keep [her] grubby, horny little paws off Glenn." Elaine obeys.

Yet another street scene. Ally's sipping tea with Malcolm in his beautiful living room. Um, whose house is this? Didn't he just get out of high school? What kid sips tea while staring out the window? Ally is all, hey, kid? Didn't you sing in another Collar's choir? Doesn't this connection seem kind of tenuous? No, she doesn't. Anyway, Malcolm doesn't want to sing anymore and he "can't make it happen." He can't even listen to music anymore. And why did his mother "have to be shot in the neck?" Youch, that's rough. It isn't that he's angry at G-d -- just that he "doesn't feel like talking to him much." Sure. It takes time. 'Til about the end of the episode, I'd say.

Fish and John are talking. John's hanging upside down in the Uni, preparing the cross for the Christmas case. But there's something else. "The world is desperate," says John. "Oh, that," says Richard. Heh. So, John rents the elf costume every year, to "imbue himself with tidings" and all, and when he went to get the suit, the place was filled with Santa costumes, because "no one wants to be Santa anymore. We've all flatlined." Richard doesn't know how to respond to that. I can: things take time to get over. You can't rush it, or force it. You just need to take the time to heal. Okay? Fish asks if he can redecorate the hole. John is all, gotta go back to court. He splits. Corretta emerges from a stall and asks if Fish could maybe have given more. Yeah, RIGHT. Corretta, is this your second season? And you still don't know? Then she asks if the holiday party will in fact be a party, because she thinks they "all need one." Now, more than ever. We need to party. Hearty. Or down, whichever you prefer.

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Ally McBeal




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