Ally McBeal
Nine One One

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: C- | Grade It Now!
Christmas: Now More Than Ever

Aerial shot of Boston. I feel dizzy. Some punk band (U.S. Bombs? Me First and the Gimme Gimmes? I don't know) is doing a rendition of "Joy to the World." Good for them. And, thank G-d it isn't Vonda. See, there is a G-d! Yay! The Mayor of The Town That Cancelled Christmas is on the stand. People died in the fire that destroyed the Christmas factory, and they can barely afford to pay the school teachers, and he can't endorse the "wasteature" of the funds it would take to put on the Christmas dog, as it were. John objects to the word "wasteature." Not me. I love made-up words. It makes Scrabble so much fun! The judge sustains John's objection. The Mayor won't issue permits because six firemen died in the fire, and "now is not the time to be having parades!" It's "disrespectful" and "blatant inappropriatism." Hee! John is all, move to strike! The judge asks that the Mayor only use real words. Aww. John is all, what about the people "that need this holiday?" The Mayor says that, as a politician, he "has to look beyond what the public needs, sometimes." Yeah, politics is so not about the people, ever. So, the Mayor and his town won't observe Christmas this year, because they need time to mourn, and "out of common courtesyism." Hee.

Glenn and Elaine, still practicing in the bar. She's still rubbing herself all over him.

Ally's talking to Collar, saying it is odd for a Collar to tell his congregation that his faith is out the window, and that there is no G-d. Collar is all, have you ever had someone you love die, in your arms, at all, ever? Why yes -- Billy, in fact. Presumptuous much, Collar? And besides, think of your boy, the singing angel. He needs help too. Aww. Go, oboe, go!

Jenny stalks over to Elaine's desk. She's heard that Elaine is still coming on to Glenn, and raises her fists. Then, she pushes Elaine, as a "warning." Jenny? Elaine could stomp you and eat your bones in half a second. They shove each other back and forth for a bit, then raise fists to each other. John sees the mini-melee and tries to intervene. Jenny socks him in the jaw and he goes flying. Oh, right. John mightily loses his temper and is all, "Let's just fight! 'Tis the season, after all!"

Collar sits down with some tea and says that it isn't that he doesn't believe in G-d, but that "it isn't enough" to lead the congregation with. Or his son Malcolm. Ally asks whether Collar hasn't gone through this, in a way, with "hundreds of congregants' families," and doesn't he think he'll come through the hard times himself? Well, Collar's wife, after being shot, asked the shooter to "dial 911," as she was lying there dying. And the fact that she asked her killer that means she believed in a goodness that is...I don't know, not real? And everyone, please take note that DEK is using the numbers of our emergency phone system to refer to a great tragedy and make this everyday poignancy ripe with meaningosity. Don't let it work on you! I'd like to know how they know she asked that. Was the shooter brought to justice and convicted? Did he confess to the crime, and repeat her words? But that doesn't matter. What does matter is, not that she's dead, so much, but that she's so "gone." And "every day she's more gone." Collar cries and apologizes to his son. Malcolm tries to squeeze out a few tears. He's a singer, not an actor. Hey, Ally's hair looks kind of good. The piano switches from sad to hopeful as she begins her stupid monologue, which I wish would be a clip show, because that's how it sounds. She "rejects" what Collar has just said. She recalls Cancer Boy asking her to sue G-d, and Billy dying in her arms, again. She sees him as a ghost, and talks to him in her mind, because "she'll never let him go." And Malcolm should sing to his mom because she's still here, too.

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Ally McBeal




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