Ally McBeal
One Hundred Tears

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Alex Richmond: D+ | Grade It Now!
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One Hundred Yawns

Nell Carter is asking Richard, Corretta, and the Biscuit their preferences in a mate. Corretta wants "tall, dark, and handsome." Richard: "Something in a wattle." John is disgruntled. Elaine walks in and says she "dreams of a man who wants to make love to [her] as [she] sings a song on stage. One song after another, after another." Sounds like torture. Is that what Barbra Streisand wants in a man? Richard wants "a kind, gentle woman, who is thin but used to be fat so the skin stretched and just hangs from her neck. A woman with drip wattle." Oh, boy. John complains some more. Richard says John wants Ally. The music gets jouncy, and John storms out.

Richard walks into the Uni, where John is patting his face with paper towels. Richard asks if John is "hurting." John says Richard's comment was "deeply humiliating." Richard says it's no more humiliating than showing up alone to the bar every night. Since "women find money less attractive these days, we need the help" of Nell Carter. Then Richard drops the bomb: "I'm lonely, John." John delivers the reaction shot this line deserves. Isn't having a matchmaker desperate? Richard says, "We're not above desperate." The music is sad. Me, not so much. If I were music, I'd be making a "duh" noise.

Trial. The guy on the witness stand says he heard Frank, the defendant, "making a ruckus," and that Frank had invaded his home nine times. Frank jumped out of his window, wearing homemade wings. Then, he fell to the ground "with a thud." I guess he thought he could fly?

Back in the holding cell, Frank said he didn't just fall, or his legs would have been broken. Ally suggests they use an insanity defense. Frank incredulously asks, "How am I insane?" Ally stammers and "um"s" Then Frank is all, "What happened to you? You're a flyer! I know you are!" Ally stammers and smiles, then says she used to dream about flying, sometimes. I think it is so great that he saw Ally and pegged her for a lunatic with one look. I think people can find each other like that; you know, like Cheerios clinging together in a bowl through some kind of magnetic force. The nutty find one another. It's almost romantic, if it weren't so insane. Ally says, stammering as she does, that they need to stress that Frank didn't break in to steal. Oh, and she paid his bail, so he's free to go: "You aren't considered a flight risk." Oh, my knees, I am slapping them. Okay, Frank asks if, when Ally tried to fly, was she "[trying] to escape"? Uh, non sequitur? Me no get.

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Ally McBeal

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