Ally McBeal
Out In The Cold

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Out In The Cold

Ling on the stand: "Girls are so stupid. Especially high-school girls. They want whatever other girls have, whether it's clothes, shoes...They don't choose on the basis of their own taste so much as they like what their friends like." Ling, is that David E. Kelley's pih-kuh-pih-kuh-penis I see ventriloquisting behind you? What does this have to do with the case? Were her employees paid for sexual service? That's all we need to know. We don't care about the whys and wherefores of boys and their libidos. Am I supposed to feel sorry for John now because no one would date him until he was seen with a pretty call girl? Or am I supposed to figure out that John's only dating Nelle because he's hoping to catch another woman's eye? Don't answer that, because either way, I don't care anymore. Ling tells the prosecutor that a promise of sex is implied on any date, that girls are stupid but men are stupider, and that it's typical that a man would consider company and conversation, "nothing." She tells the judge, "Your Honor, it's one thing for him to think with his dumbstick. I shouldn't have to be prosecuted with it!" D'oh. Everyone at the defense table puts their hands to their heads. She says the same stuff again, and then calls Marcus funny-looking. Then she tells the judge to get her a real DA because she's bored.

Louis and Ally are standing in her office. He's saying, "So you just hear it in your head, like voices?" Yes, but it's music, she explains. Then she asks him if he wants to try it. Oh, lord. This is so stupid. At first he doesn't hear it, but then he pretends he does. "Caterwaul, caterwaul, darlin'..." sings Vonda. Elaine walks in with the sandwiches and sees what's going on. She sashays up and dances against Louis's back. She touches his butt with her own and with her hands. The record scratches as Louis detangles from her and Ally fusses. Elaine says a word in Pig Latin that I can't understand at all. It sounded like "Uppish-snay." Whatever. Bygones.

Ling and her defense team come off the elevator. Richard is saying that she could have tried to be sympathetic. "I was under oath!" protests Ling. He calls her "garlic." John removes his shoes and Ling asks what the funny little man is doing now. "I have to prepare my statement, you ungrateful little pimp," meows John. Ling is silent until John's gone. Then she slaps Richard's arm and asks if he's going to defend her honor.

Nelle follows John and his shoes into his office and says that obviously his problem is with her. John says that he doesn't judge her on her past. "Well, I don't have a criminal record," quips she. Neither does John. But he committed a crime, Nelle points out. A victimless crime, posits John. Nelle argues, asking if he knows how some of these women got to be call girls in the first place. John takes out a big ol' nail-polish brush and glosses over that point, simply saying that he's not even going to argue about it. Nelle moves on to the pettiness: "How much did they charge to let you spank them?" John stutters. He says there was only one call girl, and the only woman he ever spanked ended up calling him a peckerhead. "You keep turning the argument on me," says Nelle. John tells us that Nelle is open to legalizing prostitution. They've discussed it before with John arguing the other side. Oh, well THAT makes it all different, then! Oh, wait. No it doesn't. I still don't care. Here comes the big, phony part. John asks Nelle why she's really mad. I'm waiting for her to say, "Because I don't like you at all and I wish I'd never started having sex with you in the first place. Instead, Nelle admits that she's hurt because she doesn't want the man she marries -- the father of her children -- to have been with a prostitute. WHATEVER. Nelle's character goes on humiliating herself while John and DEK lap it up.

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Ally McBeal




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