Ally McBeal
Out In The Cold

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Out In The Cold

John is telling Judge -- Judge Seymour Something-with-a-W, is it? -- that this is an outrage and blah blah blah. Richard jumps up and goes off about the police state that is our nation in which women, pretty women, are held back from entering the work world and Judge Seymour says, "Mr. Fish. I don't even want to see your lips move." I kind of love Judge Seymour. Richard makes his confused face. Now THAT'S freaking adorable. Then it's negated by a close-up of John holding a finger to his lips and wrinkling his nose. The DA says, "Your Honor, blah blah running a PROSTITUTION RING. A brothel, if you will. Servicing UNDERAGED CLIENTS." Ling rolls her eyes and her head. John moves for a probable-cause hearing. Hearing's at two. Defendant's released on personal recognizance. Adjourned. Whack. Doo-doo-doo-doo. (That last bit was the guitar taking us to the next scene.)

At the diner, Homeless Guy wants to know if Ally's New Year's resolution is taking homeless people to lunch. Dude...Quit hinting. It's still only morning. Ally's playing with a piece of silverware and furrowing her brow as she says, "Hey, you verbally assaulted me! You dared me to recognize your existence. Is this too much recognition for you to handle?" Homeless Guy is all appreciatively smirking. "I intimidate you. This is what you do with people who scare you...You try to bite first..." Ally interrupts, "I don't bite people who haven't bathed! I am afraid of catching something just by having a cup of coffee with you..." Dude! Hurry up and go bathe so y'all can get it on! "Why are we having coffee? So you can feel charitable?" he fires back. Ally's ready for him. She barks, "OH! So now you have a problem with charity? You sit on the street corners begging for change? [passive-aggressive smile with lips in sore need of Chapstick] YOU'RE the big FRAUD, Louis! [pointing to Homeless Guy Louis with fork] You sit out there with an outstretched hand but you're too proud to accept a handout, you cheap unwashed lying loser." Cheap? He's cheap? I don't get it. Oops, I mean: you go, girl! You tell that sexy homeless guy, you saucy feminist thing! Woo! This abusive banter is turning me on, just like when they call each other names in the first twenty chapters of the romance novels! Ally heavy-breathes and tries to make her tired eyes look smoky. Louis laps it up. "Okay, then," says he. "So now we both know each other. I'm a proud loser and you're a desperate, lonely lawyer." Ally turns on the baby voice and asks why he thinks that. He says it's because she came back -- not to buy him coffee, but because he hit some nerve. Ally moves her eyeballs all over the place, savoring her favorite part, which is the part where she's bullied her partner into talking about her. "What gave me away?" she simpers. Louis goes into some narrative about the way Ally looked deadened and disappointed in her idealism, and Ally starts with the mouth-touching. No. Please. Not the mouth-touching. Pick up the fork...something...but not the mouth-touching! Then the Here's-another-Ally-centric-episode music plays and Ally bangs her gnarled head on the table. What's worse -- the mouth-touching or the head-banging? Please don't make me decide.

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Ally McBeal




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