Ally McBeal
Out In The Cold

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Out In The Cold

I'm not psychic, but I can tell that Down to You is going to suck. Okay, and don't freak out, but I'm gonna go out on a limb, here, and predict that Freddy Prinze, Jr.'s next movie will suck as well. I just have a feeling.

We see Billy's feet beneath a Unisex stall. "How many girls do you have?" he's asking. Then we pan over to Ling's feet. She's wearing these off-white, satin pumps with three-inch heels and RHINESTONE ANKLE STRAPS. Her off-white skirt falls over the straps as we hear her say, "Forty or fifty, all independent contractors not on salary." A toilet flushes. No, I'm not at all grossed-out by these bathroom scenes. Thank you for asking. They emerge from the stalls and Billy says that he wants to hire six of Ling's escorts because [contrived reason involving potential client]. A loud guitar chord plays as Billy struts away. Billy! Don't forget to wash your...oh, forget it.

Nelle is bitching John out in what appears to be the library. I can't take her seriously because she's wearing a cadet-blue-and-caramel plaid mini-poncho. John tells her to let him talk. He says some junk about men in bars looking for women, the bottom line being sex, blah blah. He was too busy to go to bars, so he clicked his mouse instead and hooked up with a call girl. It was consensual. That was his thinking. He's a different person now, but that was his thinking at the time. Nelle says that it's just like John to admit something was wrong, but to refuse to take responsibility for it. John hilariously leans on a ladder and causes it to roll away while he tries to excuse himself. Nelle says something about his staunch defense of having sex with a "hooker!" They start cross-talking and then John says, "Oh, bite me!" and walks away. "What?" says Nelle. John says he has to go to court. Well, Ling wants Nelle there, too. Well, just don't sit next to John, Nelle. Fine, not a problem for Nelle. Then Nelle busts out her trademark rank on John's stuttering. She goes, "Pih-kih-pih-kih-PECKERHEAD!" John makes this face like "WHATever, rude skag," and leaves. Nelle makes her "Oh, I shouldn't have said that! I really do love him, even though I'm always finding fault with him and he really gets on my nerves!" face.

We see a guy get on an elevator containing Ally McBeal. Oh, hey, what do you know? The guy is Louis! Ally is forced to touch her mouth as she confronts him and then gives him the big-eye look and the robot voice. Did I mention that Louis was clean and wearing black office attire and a scarf? He follows Ally into the firm after apparently telling her that he was doing research for a book on homelessness. I assume it's still the same day on which they had coffee, because Ally's wearing the same outfit. Now that I see her outfit clearly, I want to puke. You won't believe it. You thought that she had gone into a time machine and overwrought the thrift stores of the 1970s before...but you haven't witnessed the full ramifications of the travesty until you've seen Ally today. She is wearing a pale blue cardigan. She is wearing a red skirt. Tucked into the red skirt, she's wearing...she's wearing...For the love of God, she's wearing a black t-shirt with a huge iron-on transfer of a TIGER'S HEAD. What in the NAME of all that is decent and right...? DANG.

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Ally McBeal

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