Ally McBeal
Out In The Cold

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Out In The Cold

The law-office elevator opens and emits Billy and those women from that old Robert Palmer video. I mean the first video, when the women were wearing black. Oh, and they brought along two of their clones. Billy walks in, flanked by these six women in their vinyl dresses. An electric bass is playing along with a guitar and some drums. Billy has a huge cigar in his mouth. Nice phallus, Billy! (Yes, I know that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. I don't think this is one of those times, though.) Billy and his squad reach Elaine. Billy holds up his hand and they all stop. There's a noise like air being let out of a tire as Billy removes the cigar from his mouth and the girls let their breasts down for a sec. Elaine is obviously aroused by the spectacle. "He's in the conference room, waiting," she says. Billy just nods and puts the cigar back into his mouth. They go into the conference room. The client double-takes over his coffee. Billy says that this guy is the CEO of a "hip" advertising agency and he needs to switch to a "younger, hipper" law firm. The CEO gestures and says, "Duh, hold on for a second...Who are they?" Billy says they're his assistants. The CEO asks what they do. "You're seeing what they do," says Bill Doggy. "We all have our ways. I do my best work operating on a heightened sense of acuity. Mine is best derived from sexual energy. Pretty women make me a better lawyer. It's a fact. I won't apologize for it. I like the way they look, the way they smell. The testosterone they generate makes me a bigger ass, and I've discovered the more of an ass I am, the better I litigate. Putting modesty aside -- you won't find a more gigantic ass than me!" Billy punctuates this with a cigar thrust and then puts the cigar into his smirking mouth once more. I admit it -- this scene made me laugh. I doubt DEK will care, though. After all, I am just a fat ugly girl with facial hair.

John hammers into our heads the fact that Leslie slept with Marcus because she liked him, not because he was paying her. Marcus says he wasn't sure if that was just something "hookers" are paid to say. Leslie just smiles in a googly-eyed way. If she doesn't mind, I guess I don't, either. Then we hear some gratuitous sob-story excerpt about Marcus wanting to take a pretty girl to a party so that everyone will think he's cool. Marcus told this same fantasy to Leslie and she thought it was sweet and had the pity-sex with him. Marcus admits that he believed, at least for a moment, that she did this through her own volition. Leslie smiles like a Golden Retriever. Yeah, keep smiling, honey. Your statutory-rape case is coming up next. Ling, the prosecutor, and then Nelle make sympathetic faces.

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Ally McBeal




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