Ally McBeal
Playing With Matches

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: D+ | 2 USERS: A+
Gimme A Break! I Sure Deserve It!

Kimmy Bishop steps off the elevators. Her outfit is very 1974 TWA stewardess, all red polyester, with bad gold-tone buttons and a hiddy ersatz Hermes pattern on the collar. Let's hope Jami Gertz made a Choice to wear it, since it So Defines Her Character. You know, if she ever talks publicly about playing this role, she can say something like, "I saw the outfit and found Kimmy! When I put it on, I just became the character!" Anyway, La Bishop is "such in a predicament" that she had to write down the particulars and hand-deliver them to the Biscuit. John gestures to Corretta, and they all retire to his office.

La Bishop had paid a matchmaker $23,000 to find her a match. After three months, her money was refunded, and she was deemed "unmatchable." Kimmy is suing for emotional distress. And the trial is in an hour. Corretta, in her cute black and white trompe l'oeil suit, looks agog. Corretta? You're no longer the new girl. Either stop popping your monocles, or take up drinking.

Ally walks into her shrink's office. There's a little boy there, maybe five years old, wearing a fisherman's sweater and with ice skates slung around his shoulders. He tells Ally, "Last chance." She's all, wuh? Last chance for love, he says. Snuh? says she. Then the boy's lips move, but Vonda's voice comes out, singing, "Laaaast chance, for rooomaaaance, and looo-ooh-ooove!" Kill me now. The shrink comes out, and the boy? Is gone. Fucking hallucinations.

Kimmy's on the stand as her match-up videotape plays. She laughs as her videotaped self says, "Rainy days and Mondays don't really get me down, ha ha! I personally have a sense of humor, and often utilize it!" Snort. Is that comment a shout-out to Karen Carpenter, whom Kimmy resembles in a grotesque, saccharine way? As John questions her, we learn that Kimmy went on "many dates," and that two "even went to third base." But they didn't work out. "One only wanted the "s" word. John asks whether the other "got blue on rainy Mondays." Heh. Her eye twitches, which sets off John's mouth. He calls for a recess to get his lip twitch under control, but no dice. The judge asks his own question: why is Kimmy suing? Kimmy was set up with fishermen. But that's not it: Nell Carter, the matchmaker, informed Kimmy by certified mail that no match for Kimmy existed in America, and possibly not even on the planet earth. Heh. Maybe we can tap Nell for a recapper's job? And, the matchmaking company changed their slogan, to "guaranteed success every time -- but once." Aww.

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Ally McBeal




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