Ally McBeal
Playing With Matches

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: D+ | 2 USERS: A+
Gimme A Break! I Sure Deserve It!

Ally, Jenny, and Glenn are conferring. Ew, the guy's a snake, icky yucky, what to do now? In walks Jackie Bisset. Jenny wants to tell her mom, but she's afraid she'll barf, and she doesn't want "to be the bearer of both bad news and puke." So, Ally starts. She stammers for a while, until Glenn breaks in to declare, "He's a scoundrel!" Ally finally manages to get out that The Young Snake wanted to have a "small affair" with her. Just when I thought Jackie Bisset couldn't get any cooler, she does, by saying she and her Boring Young Man have an "open relationship," and that while she wouldn't exactly be fine with him fooling around with "a friend of [her] daughter's" (and shouldn't that be a "boss" of her daughter's?), the Young Snake is "free to do as he pleases," as is Jackie. Woo! Jenny walks off, saying, "This just isn't my mother!" Oh, grow up. Moms get laid. Moms have open relationships. Ally walks to the window and sees a reflection of the little boy, who says, "You're killing me." Oh, now I get it. The hallucination of the boy is supposed to be me, talking to DEK! Of course.

Glenn and Richard stroll into the office. Richard says it just isn't fair, it's a violation of love, and is Jackie really into having affairs? Wow.

Corretta has a secret witness for her matchmaker case. John doesn't like surprises, but Corretta says it'll be a surprise for the other side. Oh, whatever.

El Shrinkador tells Ally, mid-session, that "a lot of marriages are open." Ally agrees, but says they are that way "in response to failure." What, have there been published studies on this? Ally thinks that starting a marriage with an open-door policy means it's okay to cheat. And that takes all the guilt right out of it! Which means no fun for Ally. She's "just filled with such hopelessness...if all men cheat, [does she] have to resign [herself] to that?" The Shrink asks for her hand, then says that if she swears off adultery, how will she be able to hook up with all the cute married guys out there? Ba dump dump. Ally rips her hand away. He asks that she tell him about the boy. She says the boy is over: "He's back with Jenny." No, he meant her hallucination of the little boy. How'd he know? Has he been dosing her? The Shrink says that "if this hallucination says you're trying to kill him, it's not nothing." Hallucinations have gradations of seriousness? How many grains do I have to take with this shit?

Jenny and her mom are in the bar. Vonda sings "The Worst That Could Happen." Jackie Bisset does exactly what I would do, which is to knock back her glass of wine in one gulp. Jenny -- who has the emotional maturity of a clementine -- is all, ew, ew, ick, mom, open marriage, affairs? Ew. Marriage is two people, til death them do part. Jackie, pragmatic as hell, is all, "What about my happiness?" She adds that she values her independence. She also says that "men annoy [her]." So, she does the open thing. Jenny says, ick, ick, ew. Can there never be a balance on this show? And could Vonda emote any harder?

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Ally McBeal




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