Ally McBeal
Prime Suspect

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Prime Suspect

After watching forty-five minutes of a show so oriented to women, I'm in the right frame of mind to watch commercials that will convince me to run out and buy shampoo and lingerie. I'm a feminist! I'm a modern woman! I must be prettier than anyone else so I can catch a non-bisexual husband! There's also a commercial for fast food. That's for when I realize that I'm just a bitch and a penis receptacle and there's no use doing anything but eating and puking. I hope DEK makes enough money to buy himself a nice, new wife.

Elaine ushers Mindy, Matthew, and Benny into an office, telling them that "They're working on it." Paul's friends wait on a couch.

Ally walks down the sidewalk murmuring "one, two, three, testing" into her bosom. Um...her collar, I mean. John and Richard are driving along with sunglasses and baseball caps on. Ally suggests that they be less conspicuous, since they're holding up traffic. They pull over. Ally rings Nancy's doorbell and introduces herself as Paul's lawyer. Nancy remembers that she's the one who screamed. She tries to slam the door in Ally's face, but Ally says some junk about caring about Paul. "Gimme a second," Nancy says, closing the door. "She's ditching the knife," guesses Richard. John sneers at him. Richard says he's just trying to go with it. John accidentally leans on the car horn. Hilarious hijinks abound. I'm glad the Fish & Cage gang can have so much fun at some mental guy's expense. Nancy lets Ally in and apologizes about Paul. Ally removes her winter-white coat, revealing a frightening zebra-print blouse. She says she thinks Paul's innocent. Nancy asks what Ally wanted to talk about. John tells Ally on the little microphone to be sure to look around. Richard snipes at John and they somehow cause really loud feedback in Ally's earphone. Ally puts her hand to her head, telling Nancy she has a "my-my-migraine." "In your ear?" asks astute Nancy. Ally doesn't know if Nancy loved Joel Schoefield, but something tells her Nancy did. Nancy makes a grossed-out face and asks what business it is of Ally's. "Well, there was a man I once loved..." starts Ally. WHO CARES?

Cut to Billy preparing to undergo a CAT scan. He imagines that the nurse is Georgia.

"His name was Billy. We were soulmates..." Richard mocks Ally as they listen to her tripe. What's with the past-tense? He's not dead yet. Nancy interrupts and asks why Ally's telling her this. It's because Ally doesn't believe that Paul killed Joel, and "if he didn't, maybe Deborah did." (Deborah is the Widow Schoefield.) Ally blathers about Deborah's being motivated by the thought of losing Joel. "But she wasn't losing Joel," says Nancy. "Were you losing him, Nancy?" asks Ally. "What are you asking, Ms. McBeal? Did I kill him?" freaks Nancy. Richard remarks that she catches on quickly. John shushes him. Ally says she can recognize hurt in others, and that she sees it in Nancy. Nancy gets pissed. "You're actually in my house, accusing me of murder?" she says. Ally says that she's trying to save Paul. Richard opens a newspaper and causes more feedback. Ally tugs at her ear and says that Nancy could have easily planted Paul's pen on the scene. They argue a bit more. Nancy asks "why on earth" Ally would be alone with a woman she thought was a killer. Yeah, maybe she should call the Army and evacuate the neighborhood, right? Nancy hears the noise from Ally's wire. Nancy starts to say that she cared very much for Joel. Then she tells Ally to leave. Ally asks to use the bathroom. Nancy asks if she plans to look around and discover the murder weapon. "Get out!" she says. Ally pouts that she was just trying to help Paul. "Oh, well in that case, let me be sure to confess," Nancy sneers. Ally pauses, noticing a closed door. She flashes back to Nancy saying "Gimme a second." She says she left her purse on the couch. Nancy goes to retrieve it and Ally opens the closed door. The Psycho-esque music plays as we see Deborah hiding in the closet. What, she couldn't just go into the bedroom and close the door? Ally screams, double takes, and mumbles, "You and Nancy...together?" Hey, did you say your name was Ally McBeal, or Jessica Fletcher? "Lesbians!" says Richard. "Quick, call 911!" says John. They become tangled in the wire. ["Gee, I liked this plot twist a lot better when it was on Law & Order about a month ago. Coincidentally, that's also when it wasn't totally offensive and hackneyed." -- Wing Chun] Deborah tries to make up an excuse about coming by to pick up some of her husband's things. Ally puts all the pieces together Scooby Doo-style. Deborah tells Ally to sit down and have some coffee with them. Eerie music plays. Ally pitifully threatens that she knows karate. "What are you gonna do, hit me?" asks Deb. Of course she is. She does. Ally runs to the door and the Richard is there yelling "FBI! Freeze!" John and the cops are with him. I'm so sure.

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Ally McBeal




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