Ally McBeal
Pursuit Of Loneliness

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Pursuit Of Loneliness

This episode opens with some guy handing Ally a cappuccino. She takes it and walks away from the counter, showing us the back of her black leather jacket. The guy stares at her moonily for a moment before removing his apron, hopping over the counter, and telling her that he's desperate for her to know his name. It's Hammond Dearing. Okay, great. Then he asks her if they've ever met or seen each other before. She doesn't think so. Hammond Dearing tells us that he's been serving her coffee every day for three months and he was hoping maybe she'd pause to look at his face once. Ally tries to give him the brush-off, but he's really persistent. He asks her to dinner. She tells him he's annoying her. He suddenly kisses her. She's not pleased. Hammond! Only in the car wash, buddy! He says his ex told him he was a good kisser, so he figured he's use his strengths. What a dude. Ally tells him it's a good thing he makes a cold cappuccino. Then she pours hers on his head. "And, um, your ex?" says Ally. "She lied." D'oh! And, um, Ally? That would have been a funny scene if we didn't already know what a desperate skag you are. Like maybe Hammond should have screamed obscenities at you. Then you'd be buying him cappuccino, right?

Vonda's been down this road. So have I. I always carry a motion-sickness bag. Good thing, too. The Victoria's Secret commercial is followed by one for a movie that looks utterly imbecilic. What Planet Are You From? Even the title sucks.

In the Unisex, Nelle expresses wonder at the "little foamy" asking Ally out. The two of them are having a contest to see who can be the thinnest but still wear a shirt that's tight across the bust. Nelle supposes that Hammond Cappuccino Server thought Ally was "a waitress or something." Nelle adds, "Nothing worse than getting hit on by one of the little people." Okay, so guess who was overhearing this while experiencing a bowel movement. You're right. It was John. He gives Nelle a penetrating look. "John. Sweetie. Fly," she tells him. Heh. He zips up and asks if she dislikes little people. She clarifies -- not little as in short...little as in janitor, cappuccino maker. John asks if she'd date him if he himself was a janitor. Nelle saves herself trouble for the moment by reassuring him that she would. Richard bursts in and asks Ally whether the lesbians are there yet. Ally points out that only one lesbian is "due in." Ally asks The Question: Why are men so interested in lesbians? I lean forward to hear David E. Kelley's explanation. Richard counters with a question of his own. You know what lesbians do when they're alone together? They have sex! (Oh!) Ally points out that heterosexual women have sex, too. Richard says there's nothing special about a woman interacting with a penis unless it's "your own." Elaine steps in to tell Richard and Ally that their ten o-clock has arrived. The three of them exit, Richard's suit contrasting strangely with Ally's stretchy aqua top. John takes the opportunity to delve deeper into Nelle's attitude toward janitors. Nelle asks him if he's date a "janitette." He says he would. Nelle accuses him of chauvinism, saying that he'd date any woman who was beautiful.

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Ally McBeal

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