Ally is McBealing down the sidewalk as Vonda ruins "Love On A Two-Way Street," singing "bi-way" instead of "highway." Ally shakes her head, causing the record-scratch sound. She walks on and Vonda sings, "I looked at love from both sides now." More head-shaking and record-scratching. Vonda sings "I Get Around." Ally shakes her head and jumps up and down like a freak. She notices people watching her from across the street. "I can jump up and down if I want!" she petulantly yells, glaring at them in a truly frightening way. Why doesn't anyone call the police? She continues on her way to the coffee shop as her fave "Tell Him" song is sung. She power-walks it, her red-gloved hands balled into fists. Hammond sees her enter and asks if she came to dump coffee on him again. No. She's been thinking, and...She imagines him kissing her. She says she agrees that she's been guilty of bigotry. "And?" he asks. She's now imagining him kissing another man. She falters. "I just can't get by it," she says. Hammond reminds her of her advice to Sandy. Ally treats us to a visual of shirtless Hammond asleep right next to the other man. This shot is complete with horror-movie music. Ally does her sad letdown routine and Hammond somehow refrains from dousing her with cappuccino that's scalding hot. He sighs as she slowly heads toward a bench on the sidewalk. Vonda sings "Tell Him" again, this time in minor key. Ally drops her head into her hands in her usual way which was never cute to begin with. Another man slips away. If only he wasn't bi! If only he'd been married to her friend, or simply engaged! Then he would have been The One! Poor, poor Ally McBeal. Will her search for fulfillment never end?
Next week Tina Turner guest-stars. There's some stupid contest involving Elaine and then Ally grinding their hips (I use the term "hips" loosely in Ally's case) onstage. Richard will pretend to think Ally's hot, and I will try to mentally erase this promo before retiring this evening, so as not to have nightmares.