Ally McBeal
Ally McBeal

Episode Report Card
787 USERS: C+
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Tic Tock People

Jackson enters the Unisex. He is weirded out in turn by Richard, Nelle, John, Elaine, and Melanie. None of it's really funny. Well, it's almost funny when Elaine works her fake breasts and sweats against Jackson. Not so funny that I actually laugh, though. I guess we're supposed to think of Jackson as our Everyman, but I just think of him as another in a long series of unlikable lawyers.

Mrs. Hooper tells the court about her affliction. She loves Clayton Hooper, but finds herself unable to control her sexual urges. Jackson accuses her of fraud, and says that she only wants alimony instead of an annulment. The other lawyer objects to the badgering. Jackson says that the minister was "quite the badger himself." He illustrates this by licking. The licking is punctuated with smacking sounds. The resulting effect is incredibly irritating. Judge Walsh says that Mrs. Hooper was unfaithful one hundred and six times throughout her three-year marriage. "It's a sickness!" whines Mrs. Hooper. The "funny" music plays during a reaction shot of the jury, letting us know that she's going to lose the case. Ling's looking rather hot in this scene, though, I must say. Red is a good color for her.

John sits in his behind-the-stall hideaway and pouts while Melanie yells for him to let her in. He finally clicks the door open. They talk for way too long. The upshot is that Melanie wants to continue their "courtship," and that she loves John. John sighs. I start to sigh along with him but then opt to mutter profanities instead.

Jackson is embarrassed to have pulled the jury away from their busy lives for this "silly" case. He urges them to annul the case, since there was no "meeting of the minds" between the Hoopers. Mrs. Hooper's lawyer does a closing, and then the "I'm not comfortable" lawyer does, too. Since when are there three-way cases? Please excuse me -- I'm behind on my study of television law.

Ally counsels Richard, as if she knows shit about anything. Richard confides that he loves Ling for her soft skin and her hair, and that she loves him for his money. Ally says that that's a bond Jackson Duper can't break. Richard makes a supposed-to-be-sympathetic remark about Larry's being gone. Ally peevishly informs him that Larry's not gone -- he's in Detroit. The Ass Cam shows us her ass as she walks out of the office. She strides with her legs wide apart, for some reason. Maybe she has a chafing rash.

The jury decides to annul the marriage and let Reverend Compton off the hook. Clayton remarks that he'd like to have nailed the Reverend. "Your former wife already did that," says Jackson, like a rude jerk. Clayton thanks them and takes off. Jackson offers to quit the firm for Ling's sake. Ling says that isn't necessary. He asks if she's definitely involved with Richard. She is. She asks if he joined the firm because she worked there. He "can't remember." She coldly congratulates him on his first victory with the firm. He watches her walk away and then mutters, "And my first defeat," to himself. Shut up, Jackson. You're a dumb-ass.

Ally McBeal

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