Ally McBeal
Reach Out And Touch

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Tic Tock People

Okay, so we start off with Vonda singing "When Will I Hold You Again," as Ally stares sadly out of her apartment window. Then Vonda's voice becomes Barry Manilow's, and Barry Manilow is standing behind Ally. Ally yells and does the head-slapping thing that she stole from Curly of Three Stooges fame. El Manilow disappears, replaced by Renee's oncoming boobs. "I was hallucinating," Ally admits. Renee runs through the short list of R&B has-beens, trying to guess who Ally saw. "Barry Manilow. Call 911," says Ally McPsycho. And you thought the writers had finally gotten the message and given up on the hallucinations. Well, you were wrong. How can you blame them, though? Dude, they scored BARRY MANILOW. How could they not celebrate by making him a figment of Ally's fevered, fucked-up imagination?

At this point I should mention that almost every commercial break in this episode includes a promo for Barbra Streisand's "final televised concert." All I can say about that is: why? Isn't Barbra a gay icon? Isn't Ally McBeal hilarity hijinks for homophobes? I guess it could be that Barbra's promoters are marketing to GLAAD watchdogs, though.

At the Fish & Cage morning meeting, Richard announces that he and John have hired a new lawyer. Nelle freaks out, and Richard assures his staff that none of their jobs is in peril. Ally hallucinates Barry Manilow singing and looking like one of the Golden Girls. She gasps loudly. "You're not gonna get all weird again now that Larry's gone, are you?" Ling asks her. Ally leaves the boardroom in a huff and crashes into "Jackson Duper," as played by Taye Diggs. Sorry, but I don't think he's so hot. That peach fuzz under his chin has got to go. Ally begs to differ, however, as she imagines his clothing flying off of his body. Whatever. She informs him that everyone's waiting to meet him at the meeting. He asks where the "facilities" are. Ally glances at his crotch and giggles. Okay -- I really don't need to imagine Ally imagining this man urinating. Thanks anyway. She follows Jackson halfway to the Unisex, then weirdly rubs her face and turns back. She sees Elaine watching Jackson. "Elaine. Elaine!" she scolds. Why is it okay for Ally to giggle at Jackson's crotch, but not okay for Elaine to merely look at the guy's back? Whatever. Anne Heche comes off the elevator in a long red wig, big red glasses, and a flimsy red dress, carrying a bunch of balloons. "Oh, excuse me," she says in an unidentifiable accent. "I'm, uh, looking for Mr. John Cage?" John and the others come out of the boardroom. Melanie hands him the balloons, telling him that they're from Melanie West. Then she kisses him. "I'm spoken for," John protests. Melanie yells out a tic, rips off her wig, and says, "So am I!" We see that her glasses are heart-shaped. How annoying. John's co-workers applaud as if she were clever or amusing. Or maybe they're clapping for Melanie's cleavage. It's hard to tell. Ally pouts and runs into her office. John rudely pulls away from Melanie so that he can see what's the matter with Widdle Baby-Waby Ally.

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Ally McBeal

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