Ally McBeal
Reach Out And Touch

Episode Report Card
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Tic Tock People

John leads Melanie into the Unisex and opens his favorite stall. After tons of unnecessary build-up, he clicks a stupid remote and causes a secret doorway to open behind his toilet. "I call it my hole in the wall," says John. It's a little room with an easy chair and a bunch of boring-looking books. Because Melanie has Tourette's and likes small places and Barry Manilow, John asks her to marry him. In reply, she whoops. John whoops, too, of course. At the Unisex sink, Richard turns and says, "Hello?" John and Melanie crouch and cover each other's mouths. I hope the building implodes and kills them.

After the commercial, we're tortured with more footage of the loving couple. Melanie asks if John's serious. They tic some more, causing Richard to look under John's stall. Ally comes into the Unisex and wonders what he's doing. He's afraid that there are rats in the walls. Melanie yips. "That sounded like a dog," Ally says. She opens a stall door and sees Barry Manilow on the pot, singing "Even Now." Richard asks if "B.M" is in there. He advises Ally to get rid of her "ghost" by taking his head off. Is Barry Manilow dead already?

In court, Ling makes a big production of showing the wedding video in which Clayton's wife and minister tongue-kiss each other. The "I'm not comfortable" lawyer represents Reverend Compton, the minister. After all this time, he's still not funny. Neither is any part of this trial. "I betrothed my penis to her 'til death or impotence do us part," says Clayton on the stand. Shut the hell up, Clayton. God, I hate this show more every freaking week.

Back at Fish & Cage, Melanie tells John that she needs time to consider his proposal. Jackson comes off the elevator telling Ling that he can't believe the case he's been put on. He lists the inanities that surround it, and then sees Elaine working a remote control to make her fake nipples protrude in his direction. The most remarkable thing about this scene is Taye Diggs's crappy acting. He really is lame.

Melanie tells John that she doesn't believe in marriage. John is surprised and unhappy. I don't care.

Ally sits on her bed and talks to Larry on the phone. She expresses affection for Sam and peevish jealousy of Jamie. "Ciao bella!" she tells him twice, with a really stupid accent, before hanging up. She opens her refrigerator, where she has saved the whole snowman from last week. I wondered if it was a hallucination, but didn't care enough to puzzle it out. Ally walks back to the living room and watches a translucent Barry Manilow sing for a while. Then Barry fades and his voice is replaced by Vonda's. Ally rocks herself in time with the gentle lullaby. Suddenly, a ten-foot-tall spider appears and drags her to its lair. Oh, sorry. That was my hallucination.

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Ally McBeal




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