Ally McBeal
Reach Out And Touch

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For the first of many times this evening, I see the cell-phone commercial featuring Terri Hatcher wearing orange. I'm sorry to see that she seems to have contracted an eating disorder. Some fashion trends just aren't flattering at all.

Here's the really stupid conversation that takes place between Jackson and Ling.

Jackson: Look, lady, if you've got some big scorn thing goin' on here...
Ling [scornfully]: Don't flatter yourself! I work up more scorn over a pimple.
Jackson: Well, you must have one now, because...
Ling: Yeah. Tiny -- the size of your integrity.

"Pimple the size of your integrity" -- you just know that's what the audience members will be yelling on Jerry Springer next season, right? Richard walks in and asks what's going on. Jackson -- unwisely, unprofessionally -- tells Richard that he and Ling had sex one night after meeting in a bar. Richard looks unhappily surprised. Ling introduces Richard as her boyfriend. Jackson feels dumb.

In another office, Ally is telling John to calm down. He doesn't want to. He yells "Balls!" twice. Ally does her tough-love routine, yelling back at John and defending Melanie's fear of marriage. Richard bursts into the room and says, "She slept with him," causing John to scream his girly scream. John assumes that Nelle slept with Jackson, but Richard explains that it was Ling. Richard is upset. He wants to beat Jackson up. "Who are you trying to kid, Richard? You couldn't even take Ling," says John. Richard jumps at John. Ally breaks them up and then hits Richard in the chest. She yells some stale advice at them. The men shake hands and she leaves. Ally and John are extremely annoying, and Richard is almost beginning to become annoying by association.

Outside the office, Mark tells Ally that he doesn't like Jackson Duper because Elaine hasn't stopped sweating since he started working there. We see Elaine sweating incredibly profusely as the "Oh, this show is so freaking cute!" music plays. My esophagus hurts from the strain of holding down bile.

Reverend Compton explains to the court what an areola is and how he came to see Marcia Hooper's. Marcia is Clayton's wife. She showed the minister her breast, and he responded by licking it. "What type of a minister are you?" Jackson asks him. "Your Honor, this is wack!" Jackson then tells Judge Walsh. "God made man weak," explains Reverend Compton. Jackson tries to do the hilariously-put-upon-attorney act, saying something about "thou shalt not lick the bride's left nipple." It falls flat and Judge Walsh bangs his gavel for no good reason.

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Ally McBeal




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