Ally McBeal
Reach Out And Touch

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Tic Tock People

John sits in his behind-the-stall hideaway and pouts while Melanie yells for him to let her in. He finally clicks the door open. They talk for way too long. The upshot is that Melanie wants to continue their "courtship," and that she loves John. John sighs. I start to sigh along with him but then opt to mutter profanities instead.

Jackson is embarrassed to have pulled the jury away from their busy lives for this "silly" case. He urges them to annul the case, since there was no "meeting of the minds" between the Hoopers. Mrs. Hooper's lawyer does a closing, and then the "I'm not comfortable" lawyer does, too. Since when are there three-way cases? Please excuse me -- I'm behind on my study of television law.

Ally counsels Richard, as if she knows shit about anything. Richard confides that he loves Ling for her soft skin and her hair, and that she loves him for his money. Ally says that that's a bond Jackson Duper can't break. Richard makes a supposed-to-be-sympathetic remark about Larry's being gone. Ally peevishly informs him that Larry's not gone -- he's in Detroit. The Ass Cam shows us her ass as she walks out of the office. She strides with her legs wide apart, for some reason. Maybe she has a chafing rash.

The jury decides to annul the marriage and let Reverend Compton off the hook. Clayton remarks that he'd like to have nailed the Reverend. "Your former wife already did that," says Jackson, like a rude jerk. Clayton thanks them and takes off. Jackson offers to quit the firm for Ling's sake. Ling says that isn't necessary. He asks if she's definitely involved with Richard. She is. She asks if he joined the firm because she worked there. He "can't remember." She coldly congratulates him on his first victory with the firm. He watches her walk away and then mutters, "And my first defeat," to himself. Shut up, Jackson. You're a dumb-ass.

At The Bar, the Vondettes vamp through the opening bars of "It's a Miracle." Then the spotlight shines on Barry Manilow at the piano. It turns out that Ling got him to appear at The Bar for Melanie. Jealous Nelle hisses that she got Barry White to play the year before. John, Melanie, Ling, and Richard get up to dance. Ally and Renee enter the bar. "Now this has gone far enough," Ally grits. She stomps up to the stage, saying that she's going to knock out Barry Manilow. She swings wildly at his head, causing the music to stop. "Oh, uh, uh...oopsie," annoying-as-hell Ally titters. "Are you for real?" she asks Manilow. "Are you? Lady, if you want the mike that badly, ask for it," says Barry. Whatever. He cues the music and hands Ally the microphone. She pretends that she doesn't want to sing. Then she puts a big Billy Idol sneer on her face in time to catch the first measure. Her voice is weak and thin-bodied as she belts and shimmies. Jackson stares and then smiles resignedly as Ally does her Jerky Dance and grinds her ass again Barry Manilow's pelvis. Then Jackson catches Renee's eye and they share a secret smile of foreshadowing.

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Ally McBeal

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