Ally McBeal
Reasons To Believe

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As we learned in Clueless and Cocoon...

Nosy Richard asks Elaine if everything's okay in bed with her and Mark. She doesn't answer, feeding into his suspicion that the two of them haven't yet had sex. Richard should probably get a hobby.

Brandy and Nicolas argue about his un-retirement and I wonder why Ally and John are witnessing this along with Larry. Is John Nicolas's lawyer, too? Nicolas admits that he's afraid of retirement and that his love for Brandy isn't necessarily "enough." Brandy is all pithy and bitter. Ally looks thoughtful and John looks like he just heard a mouse.

"Nothing happened?" Richard asks Mark in the Unisex. Ling comes out of the stall on which Mark is leaning and asks, "Something wrong with your little thingie?" No, Ling, something is wrong with you people. Get out of the freaking bathroom. Richard, build a freaking lounge or something. Find an empty room, fill it with vending machines and Formica tables, and hold your gossip sessions there because I'm sick of listening to you people flushing the toilet. At least Ling washed her hands, though. Mark says that he's been too nervous to get him some because Elaine's so sexually experienced. Richard advises him to get a "sex song." He says, "John uses Barry White, I use Tom Jones. Does it help me, Ling-O?" "Amazing," Ling replies.

Meanwhile, Ally is telling Elaine that what she has with Mark may be too special for rushed sex. She informs us all that she and Larry dated a month before having sex. Elaine asks how it was with Larry. "It was so incredibly...private," says Ally with her unappealing smile. Rock on, Robert Downey Jr. Way to keep from having to do a sex scene with Calista Flockhart.

In court, a neighbor of Melanie's testifies that she saw Melanie and her boyfriend fighting right before Melanie ran him down. Melanie yells, "Big girl! Hippo!" in another of her sassy tics. The witness just makes a "whatever" face and goes on with her testimony. I guess she's used to assholes yelling stuff at her. You know what's going to happen some day? Some day I'm going to win a one-episode role on Ally McBeal. I'm going to sit around with David E. Kelley, the writers, and the cast. I'm going to say, "You know what would be funny? It'd be hilarious if I just stood in a courtroom and every cast member and extra took turns calling me fat." Then David E. Kelley will say, "Brilliant! That's comedy gold!" The writers will all laugh and say, "It sure is, Mr. Kelley!" while rearranging their testicles through their pants. One of the cast members will reach for a bagel on the table and David E. Kelley will slap her hand with his yardstick. I'll chew my bagel thoughtfully and wait for the real rain to come and wash away the scum of the earth.

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Ally McBeal

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