Ally McBeal

Ep.

Title

Air/Pub'l

Grade

Author

5-21
Recap

Bygones

Bygones - Ally leaves the firm because Maddie is having health problems. Richard and Liza tie the knot. Renee, Georgia, and the ghost of Billy return to say goodbye to Ally. John gives Ally a necklace made from metal salvaged from the World Trade Center, and a book on anthrax, wrapped in a singed sheet of office paper that blew over to Brooklyn on September 11.

05.19.2002
05.21.2002
F

Alex Richmond

5-20
Recap

Double Indemnity, Dammit

All Of Me - Kyra Sedgwick stars as a woman with a dual personality -- a cold, careerist side, and a docile, obedient-wife side. Her husband wants to medicate her to be docile all the time. This plot outrages Alex Richmond. So glad the show is canceled! Plus, Ally celebrates her thirty-second year on earth, and wears really bad outfits.

05.12.2002
05.14.2002
F

Alex Richmond

5-19
Recap

Kiss This Show Goodbye: All Sweetness And No Sorrow

What I'll Never Do For Love Again - Elaine gives great audition (and excellent casting couch follow-up) for a touring production of A Chorus Line. Richard's father is sued for sexual harassment; Richard and Liza take the case and get closer. No Ally this week. Yay!

05.05.2002
05.06.2002
C-

Alex Richmond

Extra

Kiss This Show Goodbye: All Sweetness And No Sorrow

What I'll Never Do For Love Again - Elaine gives great audition (and excellent casting couch follow-up) for a touring production of A Chorus Line. Richard's father is sued for sexual harassment; Richard and Liza take the case and get closer. No Ally this week. Yay!

05.05.2002
05.06.2002
C-

Alex Richmond

5-18
Recap

Ally and Victor Bite the Dust

Another One Bites The Dust - Are you surprised? Are you bummed? Do you care? Three episodes to go, woo!

04.28.2002
05.02.2002

Alex Richmond

5-17
Recap

Hang Down Your Head and Cry

Tom Dooley - Heather Locklear is married to two dudes, and is hot for John Cage. She likes mariachis. And Lara Flynn Boyle. No, really. Christina Ricci joins the firm, and Ally is, like, not in this episode at all. Only four more episodes after this -- woo!

04.21.2002
04.26.2002
D+

Alex Richmond

5-16
Recap

Love Is All Around

Love Is All Around - Christina Ricci and Matthew Perry guest-star on the hiatus-breaking two-hour train wreck. They both play lawyers. Gasp. Ally and Victor finally do it.

04.14.2002
04.15.2002
C

Alex Richmond

5-15
Recap

The Heart of an Artichoke

Heart And Soul - A girl needs a heart transplant, and the best donor is her incarcerated dad, who was jailed for murdering her mom. Plus, Ally and Jon Bon Jovi don't date, not because a lawyer dating a plumber would be scandalous and "dating down," oh nooo. Maddie? Smokes. But she doesn't like it, much.

03.03.2002
03.07.2002
C

Alex Richmond

5-14
Recap

Do We Share the Same McDNA?

Homecoming - Oh, shut up, Dame Edna. Harmonize with this. Plus, Ally and Maddie are really egg donor and...uh, egg donee. Sniff! Or something. Plus, Victor gets it on with an old lady, who has confused him with the love of her life, Vincent.

02.24.2002
02.28.2002
C-

Alex Richmond

5-13
Recap

Accept It: This Show Sucks

Woman - Ally and Jon Bon Jovi do not kiss, Dame Edna does not win her wrongful termination suit, and Jenny and Glenn do not keep their jobs at Cage, Fish and McBeal.

02.17.2002
02.18.2002
F

Alex Richmond

5-12
Recap

Ally's a Mom, John Is Gone

The New Day - When John leaves the firm again, Richard asks Ally to become a partner. She learns he's been paying salaries out of his own pocket. Ally -- happy to take on her mommy role -- is shocked but willing to take on the extra office responsibilities, as long as she can still leave at five. Corretta represents an associate fired from her job because she has AIDS.

02.10.2002
02.11.2002
F

Alex Richmond

5-11
Recap

Are You My Ally McMommy?

A Kick In The Head - Ally has a daughter now. The daughter gets to live with Ally, her mommy, in Ally's new house. Yeah.

02.03.2002
02.04.2002

Alex Richmond

5-10
Recap

One Hundred Yawns

One Hundred Tears - This one hundredth episode of suck is about Ally, her day-dream-iness, and a client who believe he can fly. Also, Nell Carter returns as the matchmaker, working on Corretta, Richard, Elaine, Jon Bon Jovi, and the Biscuit.

01.20.2002
01.22.2002
D+

Alex Richmond

5-9
Recap

Blowin' In The Wind

Blowin' In The Wind - French Stewart plays a squinty, faintly smiling, delusional man. Also: Jon Bon Jovi!

01.13.2002
01.15.2002
C

Alex Richmond

Extra

Blowin' In The Wind

Blowin' In The Wind - French Stewart plays a squinty, faintly smiling, delusional man. Also: Jon Bon Jovi!

01.13.2002
01.15.2002
C

Alex Richmond

5-8
Recap

Gimme A Break! I Sure Deserve It!

Playing With Matches - Kimmy Bishop sues her matchmaker -- Nell Carter -- for deeming her "unmatchable." Jenny and Ally try to sabotage Jenny's mother's marriage. And Ally? Ice-skates. With the help of a double. Oh, and there's also Mariah Carey in a blink-and-you'll-miss-her role.

01.06.2002
01.07.2002
D+

Alex Richmond

5-7
Recap

Christmas: Now More Than Ever

Nine One One - Ally consoles a minister who's become agnostic; John fights for a town to have its Christmas parade. Because now more than ever, we need this, and if we don't, the whatevers will have already blah.

12.09.2001
12.10.2001
C-

Alex Richmond

5-6
Recap

Ally's Lost, John's Found

Lost And Found - The Biscuit returns, and is pissed that Fish has annexed his hole. Ally and Glenn don't do it again, some more. Glenn then gets back with Jenny. Hooray? No one else is happy. Again. Some more.

12.02.2001
12.04.2001
C-

Alex Richmond

5-5
Recap

I Need Drugs

I Want Love - So, what do you think Sir Elton's fee is? Would he play a private party at a Boston bar? Well, he did. Ally realizes that choosing not to date Glenn because he's "a boy" is not a valid reason. Or, duh. And they kiss. But nothing really happens.

11.25.2001
11.27.2001
C-

Alex Richmond

5-4
Recap

Nothing Was Fast as Lightning

Fear Of Flirting - No one gets laid, still. John Cage is mysteriously absent; Ally, "clipped"; Corretta the unfortunate target of bumbling. The new people are doing okay, though. Not getting laid, but doing better than the original cast members! Isn't that sad? And isn't Alex Richmond mean?

11.18.2001
11.19.2001

Alex Richmond

5-3
Recap

Neutral Corners

Neutral Corners - Ling gets sung out, there's closure on the telemarketing case (hooray, the good guys win, or something), and no one gets any action. No one. Not Ally and John, nor Ally and Glenn, nor Dame Edna and John.

11.11.2001
11.13.2001
F

Alex Richmond

5-2
Recap

Judge Ling

Judge Ling - Stuntcasting this week: Dame Edna. Not as herself! But as another purple-haired grande dame. And Ally and JennyAlly and Ally and Glenn and John and Ally go round and round and round again. It's nothing but a tease.

11.04.2001
11.06.2001
C-

Alex Richmond

5-1
Recap

Here We Go Again (And Again)

Friends And Lovers - For the season premeire, we get a do-over. A new lawyer comes to the firm, and she has Ally's exact life. And hair. DEK should be arrested for repeated torture -- to the characters he creates, and to the viewing audience.

10.28.2001
10.29.2001
D+

Alex Richmond

4-23
Recap

Do a Little Dance, Kill a Little Baby

The Wedding - Ally tries to murder the Dancing Baby, but fails. The only thing left for her to do after that is go to a prom in an ugly dress and realize that she will find new love next fall, when the new season begins.

05.20.2001
05.29.2001
C-

Gwen

4-22
Recap

Horndoggedness Failing Us All

Home Again - Richard goes back to L.A. to win a case for Jane, but then passes up the chance to have victory sex with her afterward. It's probably because she's wearing an ugly wig and is being moved into place as a new regular character. It's too bad that won't save the show.

05.13.2001
05.17.2001
F

Gwen

4-21
Recap

Queen Bee...otch

Queen Bee - Christine Lahti cameos as some freaky woman who allegedly emits a horny-making pheromone not unlike that used by bees. She uses that talent to make the men in her company work harder, and also to provide a disgusting subplot involving Richard and John.

05.06.2001
05.13.2001
F

Gwen

4-20
Recap

Cameo Cavalcade

Cloudy Skies, Chance Of Parade - Sting, Paul Reubens, and Cheri Oteri show up to do a subplot about a jealous husband suing Sting over his wife's delusion. Also, someone impersonates Barbra Streisand and becomes the excuse for yet another new quirk for John. Also, Cindy Margolis shows off her boobs.

04.29.2001
05.05.2001
D+

Gwen

4-19
Recap

What a Clone. What a Maroon.

In Search Of Barry White - John battles Larry in the courtroom and loses, causing Ally to lose a bet. He admits that his defense of voodoo science cloning had no merit and takes refuge in his Barry White hallucinations. Meanwhile, Elaine gets naked.

04.22.2001
04.29.2001
C

Gwen

4-18
Recap

Women Are Dogs, Too

The Obstacle Course - The Client o' the Week falls in love with a man online, then meets him in real life and discovers that he's a midget. So she sues him. Ling makes fun of Nelle for having her own online relationship. Ally bitches at Larry for admitting that he wouldn't have hooked up with her if she were a midget, as if she's not shallow as hell, herself.

04.15.2001
04.20.2001
C

Gwen

4-17
Recap

Keep Smiling, Old Man

The Pursuit Of Unhappiness - Ling defends a man whose blood clot causes him to be happy and whose son therefore wants to have him declared incompetent. Then the old man's wife dies and everything goes to hell, just like every other week.

03.25.2001
04.01.2001

Gwen

4-16
Recap

John-a-Tronic And Richard-a-Licious

The Getaway - This episode focuses on one of the funniest characters and one of the most annoying, until they negate each other and create a big pile of boring nothing.

03.18.2001
03.25.2001
F

Gwen

4-15
Recap

A door's shut, a window's open; the house still stinks.

Falling Up - John and Melanie break up. Renee and Jackson hook up. Ling and Richard are sad. Elaine and Mark are happy. Nelle's just sort of there.

02.25.2001
03.04.2001
C-

Gwen

4-14
Recap

All Day [Men] Dream About Sex?

Boys Town - Jackson macks on half the chicks in the firm and tries his best to prove that men are horny dogs. Mark breaks up with Elaine, but takes her back in time for dancing at the bar.

02.18.2001
02.24.2001
F

Gwen

4-13
Recap

Tic Tock People

Reach Out And Touch - John proposes to Melanie. She responds by screaming "Poop!" at him. It's got what it takes -- so tell me why can't this be love?

02.11.2001
02.16.2001

Gwen

4-12
Recap

Dance To The Beat Of The Rhythm Of The Case

Hats Off To Larry - Is this a lawyer show or a shampoo commercial? The Man Known Simply as Chayanne dances all over the courtroom, The Bar, and Nelle's heart. Sabor!

02.04.2001
02.06.2001

Gwen

4-11
Recap

Dead can dance.

Mr. Bo - Chubby Checker makes a sad cameo appearance so that the Fish & Cagers can hold a twist contest around him. Another fat woman loses a case.

01.21.2001
01.25.2001

Gwen

4-10
Recap

The Blech Files

The Ex-Files - Robert Downey, Jr., cries as he recites lines about how much he loves Ally McBeal. Then the two of them have sex. Famke Janssen kisses Robert Downey, Jr., and wears red.

01.14.2001
01.17.2001

Gwen

4-9
Recap

As we learned in Clueless and Cocoon...

Reasons To Believe - ...old people are so cute. Especially when Larry's helping them see that their marital woes are just silly little things that are easily cured by massive coronaries.

01.07.2001
01.13.2001
C-

Gwen

4-8
Recap

The Man With The Bag

The Man With The Bag - Robert Downey Jr. is given another chance at an emergency exit when Larry's ex-girlfriend comes to town in the form of Famke Janssen.

12.10.2000
12.17.2000
D+

Gwen

4-7
Recap

Do I Hear a Nickel

Love On Holiday - Richard, Nelle, and Ling auction off dates with themselves for a charity "benefit." Although Nelle rakes in the least cash, she's the one who wins lo-o-ove.

12.03.2000
12.06.2000
D+

Gwen

4-6
Recap

Jingle Bells, This Show Smells

'Tis The Season - They brought back the singing again. Elaine does Annie and scores a date with Mark. John sings "rock" and gets Kimmy hot. Larry and Ally sing Christmas songs and it's not even December yet.

11.26.2000
11.27.2000
C+

Gwen

4-6
none

Jingle Bells, This Show Smells

‘Tis The Season - They brought back the singing again. Elaine does Annie and scores a date with Mark. John sings "rock" and gets Kimmy hot. Larry and Ally sing Christmas songs and it's not even December yet.

11.26.2000
11.27.2000
C+

Gwen

4-5
Recap

Kimmy the Prude

The Last Virgin - John and Ally represent Kimmy, piety, and virginity in the Lawsuit O' The Week. They lose the case, however...probably because no one said "penis."

11.19.2000
11.21.2000

Gwen

4-4
Recap

Mark says, "Psych!"

Without A Net - He didn't care about Cindy, after all. He just pretended to for a little while so the other characters could get away with another season of homophobia.

11.12.2000
11.14.2000

Gwen

4-3
Recap

You'll never believe this, but...

Two's A Crowd - ...they said "penis" in this episode! Mark finds out that Cindy's a transsexual, Ally dates two guys, and another fat woman bites the dust.

11.05.2000
11.07.2000

Gwen

4-3
none

You'll never believe this, but...

Two’s A Crowd - ...they said "penis" in this episode! Mark finds out that Cindy's a transsexual, Ally dates two guys, and another fat woman bites the dust.

11.05.2000
11.07.2000

Gwen

4-2
Recap

All Work and No Play is Unheard of by These People

Girls' Night Out - Mark starts dating a client who is secretly a transsexual. Richard fretfully watches the romance blossom. Renee sings with Vonda all week and loses a case.

10.29.2000
10.30.2000

Gwen

4-2
none

All Work and No Play is Unheard of by These People

Girls’ Night Out - Mark starts dating a client who is secretly a transsexual. Richard fretfully watches the romance blossom. Renee sings with Vonda all week and loses a case.

10.29.2000
10.30.2000

Gwen

4-1
Recap

Sex, Lies, And Second Thoughts

Sex, Lies, And Second Thoughts - Brian wants Ally to move in with him but she's hesitant, and Robert Downey Jr. begins his guest stint.

10.22.2000
10.22.2000

Gwen

3-21
Recap

The Musical, Almost

The Musical, Almost - John obsesses over his birthday, Nelle regrets leaving the firm, and Ally introduces Brian to her parents. Oh, and way too many people sing.

05.21.2000
05.21.2000

Gwen

3-20
Recap

Hope And Glory

Hope And Glory - The D-Girl from The Sopranos represents Nelle in the "I'm quitting and taking my clients with me" plot that will go on for fifty minutes.

05.14.2000
05.14.2000

Pamie

3-19
Recap

Do You Wanna Dance?

Do You Wanna Dance? - Ally's been e-mailing back and forth with "this guy" for four months and they've just started "talking sex." She resolves to meet him.

05.07.2000
05.07.2000
D

Gwen

3-18
Recap

Turning Thirty

Turning Thirty - Ally says turning thirty is worse than death. She probably won't enjoy the party her co-workers are planning, then.

04.30.2000
04.30.2000
D

Pamie

3-17
Recap

I Will Survive

I Will Survive - Ally resents Mark and gets haunted by Billy.

04.16.2000
04.16.2000
D

Gwen

3-16
Recap

Boy Next Door

Boy Next Door - Billy's confident he'll survive the brain tumor, but the writers have other plans.

03.26.2000
03.26.2000
D

Pamie

3-15
Recap

Prime Suspect

Prime Suspect - Mr. Schoefield was stabbed to death in his bed, and Paul Potts is the prime suspect. Y'all will remember that Paul is the guy with OCD who couldn't stop clapping in the last ep. I'm so glad they're bringing him back, because I just didn't get enough of the "freaks" the last time.

03.19.2000
03.19.2000
D

Gwen

3-14
Recap

The Oddball Parade

The Oddball Parade - We open to the night skyline. Tina Turner is singing, "Won't somebody please, please tell me what's wrong?" Dear Tina: You signed up to do an episode of Ally McBeal. Just writing cuz you were wondering. Love, Pamie.

02.27.2000
02.27.2000
D

Pamie

3-13
Recap

Pursuit Of Loneliness

Pursuit Of Loneliness - Hammond Dearing tells us that he's been serving her coffee every day for three months and he suddenly kisses her. She's not pleased. Hammond! Only in the car wash, buddy! Ally tells him it's a good thing he makes a cold cappuccino. Then she pours hers on his head.

02.20.2000
02.20.2000

Gwen

3-12
Recap

In Search Of Pygmies

In Search Of Pygmies - Ally decides that "life is short and it's Valentine's Day" so she rear-ends a guy to get his attention.

02.13.2000
02.13.2000

Pamie

3-11
Recap

Over The Rainbow

Over The Rainbow - Georgia is suing Fish and Cage and Associates for the break-up of her marriage.

02.06.2000
02.06.2000

Gwen

3-10
Recap

Just Friends

Just Friends - Ally has an epiphany and thinks John might be "The One."

01.16.2000
01.16.2000

Pamie

3-9
Recap

Out In The Cold

Out In The Cold - Ling gets busted for pimpin', but somehow Ally's existential crisis is far more important.

01.09.2000
01.09.2000

Gwen

3-8
Recap

Blue Christmas

Blue Christmas - Elaine discovers an abandoned baby in a nativity scene, and Ally insists on singing at the Christmas party.

12.19.1999
12.19.1999

Pamie

3-6
Recap

Changes

Changes - Does Billy want to be a New Man, or a Lonely Man?

11.28.1999
11.28.1999
D

Pamie

3-5
Recap

Troubled Water

Troubled Water - Good evening, and welcome to Sorry-Ass Thanksgiving Episode Theatre.

11.21.1999
11.21.1999
D

Gwen

3-4
Recap

Heat Wave

Heat Wave - Car Wash Guy's fiancée sues Ally for ruining their wedding.

11.14.1999
11.14.1999
D

Pamie

3-3
Recap

Seeing Green

Seeing Green - Ally sees Al Green everywhere, and her doctor thinks she needs medication. Billy attends a group for chauvenist pigs.

11.07.1999
11.07.1999
D

Gwen

3-2
Recap

Buried Pleasures

Buried Pleasures - Get ready for the "most erotic Ally McBeal."

10.31.1999
10.31.1999
D

Pamie

3-1
Recap

Car Wash

Car Wash - The first episode of the season starts with enough shots to establish that it's a warm day in Boston. Then we see a pair of black shoes, then slim black pants -- is that a strip of flesh? -- a red and white horizontally striped shirt....Weird. Why is Olive Oyl on the show?

10.24.1999
10.24.1999
D

Gwen

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