Ally McBeal
Seeing Green

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Gwen: D | Grade It Now!
Seeing Green

Next we're seeing some sort of twelve-step meeting and some guy's sniffling about something starting to destroy his family and his life. His all-male audience makes sympathetic noises. Then it's time for the other new guy to get up and spill his guts. It's Billy. Surprise! Billy thanks the moderator for inviting him, says "this" has affected him as well, and mentions a terrible fight with a colleague and "issues" with his wife. The moderator interrupts to ask Billy to introduce himself and then "say it." Billy milks the pause for all it's worth before revealing that he's at a meeting for male chauvinist pigs. I don't blame him. This is probably the biggest storyline he'll get before he's kicked off the show. All the other chauvinist pigs give Billy props and he smirks like a dog who just found another dog's feces.

At the meeting with Kirby the alleged sexual assaulter, Kirby's dad is carping about political correctness gone too far. Kirby looks just like one of those nerd-guys in the comic books who ends up turning into a super-hero. It turns out that Kirby thought he would be Smoove B and walk up to a popular girl and kiss her. He thought they had shared "a look" and that his advances wouldn't be unwelcome. Why not? If Ally can share "looks" with attractive strangers, why not this guy? Then Kirby's mom decides to totally humiliate her son and try to blame popular culture and the same time by saying that he "devours" romance novels. She busts out the paperback Kirby had been reading the night before the illegal kiss. It's called Love's Dare. Nelle feels that Kirby hasn't been dissed hard enough, so she opens to his bookmarked page and reads aloud some paragraph about strangers meeting and kissing, blah, blah. John is all falling off his chair in his interest. Then Nelle tries to play off her utter lack of tact by implying that she reads romances all the time. Kirby relates that the girl of his Harlequin dreams slapped him and told the principal, who sentenced him to expulsion. Nelle says she and John will talk to the principal. Sad oboe for Kirby's sad shame. John gives Kirby the "here I am, looking at my younger self" look.

Ally's telling Rose that she doesn't need drugs because she's had a breakthrough on her own. She's babbling about pain being a part of love and the emotional security of screwing guys in car washes and kissing same-sex coworkers. Rose is saying "Whatever!" in her mind really loudly. Oh, and Ally says the word "penis." Rose says, "If I could give you just a tad of Zoloft..." I guess that after hearing the car wash story, she's decided that Ally needs a seratonin reuptake inhibitor and not an MAO inhibitor. But Ally refuses. Rose sums up the facts she's learned about Ally's sex life and then says, "Is there anything I can say to make you believe you're not vulgar? Let's have some Thorazine..." Ally gets up to leave. Rose offers to mix it with a little Lithium. Whoa! She has a little coin-changer's belt that's filled with prescription bottles instead! Ally leaves. Rose sighs and says, "Try and [sic] help these little tramps..." and then she pops the pill she tried to hand to Ally. Ah HA! Oh HO! So THAT'S the wacky old harridan's problem! She's jealous of sexy Ally! I tell you, you can't trust doctors these days. They're nothing but a bunch of charlatans trying to pump you full of chemicals so they can turn you to a zombie while they suck up the HMO payments. They'd rather just hand you a packet of pills and drive off in their Rolls Royces to the golf course than take the time to cure your depression. Why can't they sit down for a minute and read you passages from Chicken Soup for the Single Lawyer's Soul? Because they're greedy quacks, that's why! I'm glad David E. Kelley has the nerve to poke fun at these disgraces to the medical community with all their psychobabble. Ha! Hormone imbalance, my ass! Anyone could see that all Ally McBeal needs is the right man. That'll put a stop to her three seasons of bitching and moaning. Yes, indeedy.

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Ally McBeal




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