Ally McBeal
Sex, Lies, And Second Thoughts

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Sex, Lies, And Second Thoughts

Maureen says that Wayne had been sleeping with Diane the Wet T-Shirt Girl for more than two years and that he'd planned to marry her after he got out of his "bad marriage." Hence, her union with Wayne was a fraud, says Maureen. She wants an annulment.

Brian walks into Ally's office, where she's mutilating a plant with a pair of scissors of her own. Does this fall under PETA's jurisdiction, I wonder? He wonders why she hasn't made her decision yet. After much stuttering, Ally admits that she hasn't really enjoyed the sex she's had with Brian. "Are you capable of having good sex?" he asks her. "Is it me, or is it you?" She says it's a "rhythm thing, it's a compatibility thing, it's a -- it's a heat thing." Brian asks if she's indicting the relationship because of sex.

"I never said that," says Maureen. Defense lawyer Raditz questions her. John throws a nose whistle in his direction. It's not funny, but the judge acts like she's holding back a smile. Raditz asks if Wayne was seeing Diane before he married Maureen. He wasn't. They babble some more and then Raditz sarcastically asks whether mere dishonesty between spouses is grounds for an annulment. Maureen is busted into silence.

In the elevator, John asks if Maureen's okay and then tells her that litigation is adversarial by design. They emerge in the Fish & Cage office. Maureen emotionally asks John if it's at all possible that a man could be sexually attracted to her. She runs off. Richard walks up and says, "What a beast. How's the trial going?" She's not even ugly, but whatever. We're operating under Kelley standards, I guess. John socks Richard and then asks him for a big favor. Richard says he'll do it as long as it's not money. John asks him to pretend that he's attracted to Maureen. "Oh, John, she looks like a hamster. I'd sooner pop a chubby for a tree frog," says Richard. What's with all the animal name-dropping? Maureen runs up to Richard, startling him, and saying that she used to have a tree frog. He leers at her and winks broadly. "Wha-what are you doing?" she asks. He asks if anyone ever told her she was beautiful. She says no. He stage whispers, "Shocker," to John and then says he has to go. "Was he making fun of me?" Maureen asks. John points out Nelle and says that she found him sexy when he channeled Barry White. He tells Maureen that if she doesn't believe in herself, no one else will.

Larry is still moving into his new office. Ally's sitting there yakking to him about Brian some more. She asks why she should indict the relationship because of sex. Larry explains that men only get married for the sex. Ally calls him "such a man." Larry smiles and says she already acts like a wife. Ally does her little rapid-fire word-spitting thing that she's wont to do when she's supposed to be turned on. Larry does a rapid, wordy rebuttal that's twenty times more amusing than hers was, albeit as sexist as everything else on this show. The funniest part was, "As you come in here -- looking very much like the women in the magazines, except I don't have the luxury of turning the page --" She tells him he's the biggest ass she's ever met. What -- Billy's forgotten so soon? Larry says, "Perhaps this is where you kiss it goodbye." She stomps out and he wonders what he said. Not enough, buddy. She still wants you.

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Ally McBeal

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