Ally McBeal
The Ex-Files

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The Blech Files

Vonda decides to kick off the hour by annoying me, singing "Gimme dat thing!" for no reason at all. Then we see John, Melanie, Richard, Ling, and two tertiary characters at The Restaurant. Melanie and John take turns seeing who can perform the goofiest tic or quirk. Ling comments that it must be cool to have Tourette's syndrome, and therefore have an excuse to be so annoying. Melanie brags about how good in bed her disorder allegedly makes her. John stutters. We learn that the two newcomers are Randy and Lisa, an engaged couple. Ling is going to be Lisa's bridesmaid. Randy is a former fiancé of Ling's. Richard asks if Randy still has feelings for Ling. Randy and Lisa stay silently aghast throughout this rude excuse for mealtime conversation.

At Larry's office, Ally shows Larry her new hat and the two of them joke about it. Ally tries to kiss Larry and hits him in the forehead with the brim. "My first brim job," says Larry. It's supposed to be funny that he said something that rhymed with "rim job." I was only scarred for life, though. Was he talking about Ally, or former inmates, or what? Now I'll be distracted throughout the recap. I was going to say that Ally looked decent for once. I liked her outfit and her hair was combed. Then they had to ruin it with a disgusting pun. Anyway, they're trying to kiss when Jamie shows up, looking as hot as Famke Janssen. She apologizes for barging in, but she has to speak to Larry. Ally rubs at her eye, stammers about having to go to work, and leaves. Jamie looks at her like, "Later, loser," and tells Larry that she wants to move with their son to Perry Sound, Canada. Shout out to all the peeps in Perry Sound! (I don't know any, but someone must.) Larry expresses surprise. Watch out, Larry. "Perry Sound" is the International Body of Water Symbol for "I'm gonna get you back in bed with me if it's the last thing I ever do."

In a completely ridiculous, beige-striped-polyester-shirt-AND-MATCHING-HEAD-SCARF ensemble, Renee asks Ally why Jamie's back. Ally doesn't know and babbles that she's not a jealous person. She points out, "I was able to work with Georgia, the woman who was married to the first ass I ever sniffed."

Oh -- my -- GOD. I can't believe Ally said "the first ass I ever sniffed." Can I just puke on myself now? Has the show moved to a new level of anal-centric anal-retentiveness? I can't believe I'm missing the jazz special on PBS so that I can sit here and be forced to imagine Ally McBeal's face in men's anuses. Jiminy fricking crickets.

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Ally McBeal

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