Ally McBeal
The Ex-Files

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The Blech Files

Next thing you know, John's in court yelling that it's unethical for Melanie to be fired because of her disorder. Melanie and the Mean Firing Woman from Melanie's school are there, too. Melanie yells out "Hair club!" and we see that the judge wears a toupee. John stutters and his nose whistles AND he says "Frank Sinatra," as well as a bunch of other stupid stuff. It's not even vaguely amusing. The school's lawyer says that Melanie was fired because she frightens her students. The judge hopes that the opposing parties can mediate amongst themselves. I hope they do so off screen.

Randy shows up at Fish & Cage and, with a few throwaway lines, illustrates to us all that Ling is a super-hot demigoddess of a woman who spoils all men for the love of any other. Ling indicates, with a mere sustained facial expression, that she bears her burden with as much modesty and self-sacrifice as is physically possible.

Renee puts four or five pencils in Ally's mouth to keep her from running to Larry and saying anything. That sounds like something I made up, but it isn't. I wonder if there are any weird people out there with pencil-in-mouth fetishes. I wonder if pencils make a good diet regimen.

In John's office, Melanie expresses anguish. She's on the verge of getting a children's book publishing deal, and she can't afford to have a reputation for frightening children. John wants to know why Melanie suddenly cares about her future, when she was ready to go to jail the week before. That would be a good question if I cared about Melanie at all. Melanie indicates that she's more optimistic since meeting John. They kiss. Elaine comes in with a sleek new hairstyle and announces that Mrs. Stiles and Mr. Milter are on their way up. Then she squeals annoyingly, totally negating the effect of her new hair.

Larry and Jamie yell at each other. Larry asks why Jamie doesn't move to Boston. Jamie doesn't want to. She instead wants to talk about how much passion the two of them have for each other. She sits next to Larry on his desk and caresses his ear. He says he can't go through this again. "Just tell me that you know it's over," she tells him. He pushes her hand away and says, "I know it's over." This is right before they smash their faces together and start kissing like hungry dogs. "Oh, no!" Larry groans, breaking away and running out the door. Oh, be quiet Larry. You know you liked it. You know you want to play Wolverine in the X-Men sequel. You will notice that I gave this episode a grade of D. The "D" only has a plus sign after it because of this scene.

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Ally McBeal

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