Ally McBeal
The Ex-Files

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The Blech Files

I really thought this episode was going to end three scenes ago, but here we are in the courtroom again. The little girl who made fun of John's meekness testifies that Melanie is a goblin. John makes snipping motions at Little Girl Lucy. He asks if she's afraid of him. Lucy says that she is -- that she's worried John will cut off her toes. Then John asks if she's afraid of the judge. "I'm afraid he killed an animal to make his hair," is what comes out of the mouth of the babe. John says something about how enriched his life has become since he met Melanie. Melanie smirks in delight. Then the judge asks for her two cents and she ticklessly comes out with, "If any of the children consider me to be a monster, that can only come from a narrow-mindedness which is a much more dangerous and fundamental disability." She looks at Mrs. Milton when she says "narrow-minded." Ha. Get it? Get it? Ha! Mrs. Milton is fat! The judge, then, appropriately rules against her. HA, HA, Mrs. Milton! That'll teach your fat, intolerant ass!

Ally points out that Jamie will forever be part of Larry's life, since she's the mother of his child and all. Larry says that he'd been considering moving to Detroit or Canada to be with his son, but that he can't because the biggest part of him is Ally. And guess what -- he wrote Ally a song. Woo hoo. Can't wait. Let's hear the song that he wrote for the woman who made him stop caring about his son.

Lisa runs into the Fish & Cage lobby and demands to know what happened between Randy and Ling. Ling pretends to be gracious by lying her ass off and allaying Lisa's fears. Lisa is relieved in her ugly red suit.

Larry plays Ally's piano and husks the following:

Chances are you'll find me somewhere on your road tonight
Seems I always end up driving by
Ever since I've known you
It just seems you're on my way
All the rules of logic don't apply
I long to see you in the night [Tough note, there.]
Be with you till morning light

Ally rocks herself in her ugly hoodie jacket and then hugs him. Then we fade into The Bar and hear Vonda join in with:

I remember clearly how you looked the night we met
I recall your laughter and your smile
I remember how you made me feel so at ease
I remember all your grace and your style

Mark and Elaine dance, as do John and Melanie. We see Ling at Randy and Lisa's wedding. Then our retinas are seared with fuzzy shots of Ally and Larry, sweaty and naked in bed. John and Melanie dance some more and Ling ally-mcbeals down the sidewalk. Larry and Vonda finish the song in harmony, but I won't type out the lyrics anymore. I just wanted to give you enough to assure you that they sucked.

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Ally McBeal




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