Ally McBeal
The Getaway

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John-a-Tronic And Richard-a-Licious

Right before this episode begins, we see Elaine copping a feel on some military type as she tells us that Ally McBeal is coming up next. The uniformed man barks in a not-at-all-intimidating voice, "Continue, and I'll have to seek disciplinary action!" Elaine says, "Oh, I know," as she continues fondling his arm. I sigh. That Boot Camp promo wasn't really amusing at all, but I'd rather see Elaine dancing with Mark and assorted hot guys for an hour than the dreck that's about to assault me.

Previously on Ally McBeal: Richard's feelings were hurt by Ling's preoccupation with Jackson. Also, John was rejected by Melanie, but no one cared.

Nighttime at Fish & Cage: John's working late when Richard walks in. John says, "Hello, Richard," in almost the same way Jerry Seinfeld says "Hello, Newman." John's always in a bad mood, isn't he? I mean, he's constantly bitching, or making ugly remarks, or yelling out "Balls!" I can't imagine the strain that it must put on his employees. It's a wonder that they don't plot to murder him. Hey -- there's an idea for sweeps.... Richard tells John that he sounds like Eeyore the donkey. John says, "Perhaps that's the essence of our friendship. I sound like an ass and you act like one." Instead of telling John to go to hell, Richard confides that he and Ling are estranged. He comments on the pathetic fact that he and John work late while their associates are "out living their lives." Then he hands John a subpoena. That's right, everyone. Richard is subpoenaing John to L.A. Get ready for wacky, hilarious, madcap adventures not to ensue.

At the Morning Meeting, the staff is freaking out over Richard's and John's vacation plans, as if anyone at that firm has enough work to make vacation an issue. Richard bequeaths senior-partnership to Ally in their absence. "What?" everyone yells. Then John walks into the conference room in a ridiculous (but still unfunny) tourist outfit. "I Love L.A." starts playing. That song really annoys the shit out of me. It's bad enough that I have to hear "Chances are you'll find me somewhere on your road tonight..." when I'm perusing Celebrity Hairstyle Guide at the local drugstore. Does a Randy Newman revival really need to be staged, as well?

At the airport, John and Richard prissily argue over how much sunscreen they'll need as they rush to catch their flight. Richard whips out a baby carrier from which emanates the remotely controlled sound of a baby's cries. He uses this as an excuse for himself and John to board ahead of everyone in line. I don't know why they bothered. Personally, I prefer boarding last. That way, there aren't any clumsy oafs bumping into me with their luggage while I'm mentally running through my air-disaster fantasy scenarios. See, my plan is always to survive the crash and to save several babies while I'm at it. I also like to imagine all the cool things I'd make with coconuts if I ended up stranded on a desert isle.

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Ally McBeal

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