Ally McBeal
The Getaway

Episode Report Card
Gwen: F | Grade It Now!
John-a-Tronic And Richard-a-Licious

I watch another promo for Boot Camp and decide that I would either like to be a drill sergeant, or else just date one. I love the bitter sarcasm that drips from these men's mouths. "Kiss your wife!" screams one of the evil ones at a contestant. He holds a photograph of the contestant's wife up to the man's face. Then he turns the photograph to his own face and screams at it in its turn. This stinging yet flippant cruelty is, to my heart, like the hot pepper that makes my Thai chicken curry all the sweeter. If only someone would yell at John and Ally like that...

In the hotel room, Richard verbalizes plans to hang out at the pool and pick up chicks. This causes John to fret in his visor and paisley shorts set. Richard talks him out of his worry-warting. Out at the pool, the two idiots are awed by the sight of Alexandra Holden's skinny, wet body. "Play That Funky Music White Boy" plays as they approach her lounge chair. Richard smooth-talks the blonde, whose copious amounts of eye shadow and lipstick are amazingly intact after her swim. She introduces herself as Jane...Jane Willkommen? Something like that. Within five minutes, old Jane's following Richard to his hotel room. John is left alone to squirt a whole bottle of sunscreen onto his thigh. That was and will be the only funny part of the entire episode. Bernadette Peters appears at a nearby table. She and John greet each other, and then she starts to cry. I'd cry, too, if I'd just realized that I was about to be John's latest romantic interest.

Upstairs, Richard and Jane dance the Hustle. Jane learned it from watching VH-1, she says. She does that hard-core back-arching thing that chicks sometimes do when they're really skinny and wearing bikinis on TV. If I were one of those skinny, bikini-wearing characters with no intelligence or sense of humor, I'd probably be arching my back and Hustling with Richard, too. Jane tells him that he's fun, and then asks whether he's rich. He says he is, and that it's all hers if she'll make him happy. He says it in a kidding way, not a soliciting way, but the cops who are eavesdropping don't realize this as they break down the door and place Richard under arrest.

We get to see Ally and the other females of Fish & Cage fret for a few seconds as Richard uses his one phone call to explain his predicament to them. Either it's the same day, or it's the next day and everyone's wearing the same clothes. Okay, I understand the three-hour time difference, but I still wonder how John and Richard have been able to fly from Boston to L.A., get detained by police, go to trial, and then check into their hotel all in the same morning. Ally tells Richard to take his cell, and promises to track down John. I don't understand why Richard didn't call John in the first place, or why the warden would let him keep his cell phone, but whatever. At this point I'm just glad that they aren't playing Randy Newman anymore and that John isn't on screen.

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Ally McBeal




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