Ally McBeal
The Getaway

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Gwen: F | Grade It Now!
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John-a-Tronic And Richard-a-Licious

I thought the episode was over, and I was so glad. It was only a sick illusion, though. Jane teaches Richard and John to scuba dive in the hotel pool. John consequently shows up for his next legal conference with blue lips. "Your lips are blue, John," Bernadette Peters says with a weird accent. She kisses John and he acts like a scared little girl, like he always does when a woman shows the bad taste to kiss him. Oily L.A. Lawyer comes in and offers to settle for $3 million. The offer's good for one day only, he says, before leaving them to confer. Cassandra wants to settle, even though John advises against it. He tells her to leave the room in a pissed-off manner. This is his ploy for netting her more money. I wish Perry Mason would kick John's ass.

Meanwhile, Richard meets with Jane and Frankie, her polyester-clad agent. Frankie agrees to let Jane out of her contract for three percent of her future earnings as a legitimate actress. He also wants tickets to the Golden Globes when she wins one. I guess he couldn't say "Oscarâ„¢." Richard and Jane agree to this ridiculous proposal, since the only thing that matters is the cleavage Alexandra Holden is showing through the laces of her white halter top.

Richard and John meet back at their hotel room and discuss the fact that John got Cassandra $4.2 million. Wow. Where's the shining armor? What would the foxy women of Los Angeles do without such heroes? Jane shows up to thank Richard again. John makes himself scarce so that Jane can ask Richard to stay in L.A. for one more day. He's too chicken. How weak. What, he doesn't own his own law firm? He can't call in sick if he wants? Jane moves forward as if to kiss Richard. He blows the scene by asking if he can take a picture of her naked. She blows it harder by saying, "If you want to see me naked, you're gonna have to stay a few more days." The piano plays softly as if this dialogue isn't completely skanky. Richard gives his "you're an actress in Los Angeles and I'm a lawyer in Boston" goodbye speech. Jane still wants to walk him to his car, though.

At the airport, Cassandra shows up to give John a painting called "Gentle Soul" or some shit. She didn't even paint it herself, either. It's by "an unknown artist." Does she own a studio or a gallery? Or maybe it's actually a thrift store. She thanks John for the hope he gave her, and asks permission to kiss him goodbye. "I suppose...if you must," Smoove Chickenshit John says. She kisses him like the desperate loser she must be. Jane and Richard hug goodbye. I wonder if Alexandra Holden refused to kiss Greg Germann. Maybe she was scared I'd kick her ass. I'm so over him, though. This John-filled episode has killed the last remnants of any love I might have felt for old Greg. Sorry, buddy. John and Richard take a sober limo ride to the airport and the episode finally, mercifully, ends.

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Ally McBeal

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