Ally McBeal
The Last Virgin

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Kimmy the Prude

Previously on Ally McBeal: Ally annoyed me and Nelle looked a little like Bette Midler with her hair up like that.

At her apartment, Ally watches an instructional video about kissing. Renee spies on her for a while before asking what the hell Ally's doing. Ally confides that her third date with Larry is coming up and they still haven't kissed. She wants it to be perfect. Renee says that on the third date, they're supposed to sleep together. She makes fun of Ally for being thirty and needing a video on how to kiss. Ally feels like she's never kissed a man before in her life. She frets that she sometimes gets dry mouth, too. Quit sucking your napkin, then, you dumbass. The two women watch the video and follow its instructions. They tilt their heads and open their mouths. They also stick out their tongues. At this point, I think about the character I created on Diablo. She's a bard and can cut off two monsters' heads with one sweep of her sword. I can't help but notice that Ally and Renee are in the perfect position. Swoosh! Two tongue-monster heads on the floor! The guy on the video says to keep your tongue in your mouth. He says to put your lower lip on the guy's upper lip and make "a slight sound to indicate your pleasure." Ally and Renee say, "Mmm..." I knew I should have decapitated them when I had the chance.

After many shots of phallic buildings around Boston, we see Ally hugging herself, pinching her nose, and jittering in the elevator. Vonda sings, "Everybody loves a lover." Smirking like a freak, Ally opens her office door to find Kimmy standing there. There is the obligatory record-scratching sound and, without further ado, Kimmy sets up her plot line. You'll remember that she's a lawyer, like ninety percent of the population of Boston. She was removed from the "partnership track" at her old law firm six months before. She's suing her former employer, and the trial's the next day, but Kimmy's lawyer has mysteriously disappeared. So of course she wants to hire her enemy, Ally. Not only that, but Kimmy's former employer hired Larry Paul to defend him. Ally makes her fish-eye face.

In another room, Ally has explained the situation to Richard and is trying to wrangle out of it because of the conflict of interest. Richard doesn't see it her way. He wants mo' money, mo' money, mo' money, so he tells Ally to take the second chair and gives the case to John. John is hanging upside down behind them, like Grandpa Muenster but not as appealing. Richard shoves Ally off with the order to take the retainer for the "brotherhood" of the firm. Then he turns and asks how John's doing. I can't help but notice that he's in the perfect position to kick John's head like a soccer ball. Inexplicably, though, he doesn't do that.

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Ally McBeal

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