Ally McBeal
The Last Virgin

Episode Report Card
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Kimmy the Prude

At one of the Bar tables, Elaine does some soulful chair dancing. Mark dryly says, "Elaine, by any chance, would you like to dance?" She tells him, "Um...sure," and away they go. Mark does that funny jogging-arms dance that some boys like to do. It's okay, though. He's still one of the least annoying characters on the show.

John and Kimmy have a little tête-à-tête in his office. He advises her to change her demeanor for the trial the next day. He wants her to mellow her voice and loosen up with her clothes. I didn't say this before because I was so disgusted by last week's episode, but I really like the way Kimmy dresses. Aside from the big fake flower she's wearing in this scene, she's been working the early '60s suit-and-pearls thing to advantage. I like it. She looks fresh. She's retro-stylin' in a good way. Ally and Nelle have been tackling the '70s from opposite ends, and they look like crap. Elaine sometimes tries for the '40s bombshell look, but the dresses are cheaply made and never fit her right. Ling's all over the timeline. Kimmy is a breath of fresh (recycled) air, so it makes sense that John E. Kelley would tell her she doesn't look right, doesn't it? He highlights his advice to Kimmy with a detail from his Loser Teen Years. Then he patronizes her with, "There's a wonderful girl in there, Kimmy. I know it. You just have to bring her out." Hey, John, just because Dr. Kimberly had sex with you a few weeks back, that doesn't mean you're Capt. Kirk now. Get back to work!

Ally leads Larry into her apartment. He's saying that he can't stay because he actually has to try a case the next day and not just sit at the table. Ally keeps swigging water and gargling when he's not looking. She waits for him to kiss her. He looks sort of like Gabriel Byrne without his glasses. He touches her hair and wishes the night didn't have to end. Ally wishes that, too. She closes her eyes. He kisses her on the forehead. They bid each other goodnight, Larry leaves, and Ally bangs her head on the wall. Why can't there -- just once -- be a big metal spike jutting from it?

Then the Victoria's Secret commercial bastardizes the score from BladeRunner and I can't hold back the vomit anymore. That's okay. I was trying to lose weight, anyway. I want to be beautiful and important, like Ally. I thought up a song. I should have sung this last week, during the slumber party, but I wasn't thin enough to think of it in time:

Look at me
I'm Ally McB
Lousy with false modesty
I'll suck on my hand
'Til I snag me a man
I'm beautiful Ally McB!

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Ally McBeal




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