Ally McBeal
The Last Virgin

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Kimmy the Prude

Mr. Peterson testifies that Kimmy was too judgmental and therefore made people uncomfortable. John rapid-fire questions Mr. Peterson. He makes the point that Kimmy was a good lawyer and made a lot of money for the firm, but that there was no room for a pious virgin at Mr. Peterson's firm. Larry declines the opportunity to redirect, and John ruins any advantage he may have gained by telling Mr. Peterson, "Even your own lawyer has no use for you." Shut up, John. For the love of all that's pious and virginal, or even penal and vaginal, please shut up.

That night, Ally bothers Larry at his office. She apologizes for being upset earlier. She admits that she was disappointed he didn't kiss her. I have to admit that I was impressed with her honesty, for once. Larry explains that he didn't want to rush things. Ally thinks they should cool their relationship because of the trial and all. Larry tells her not to run from him. He tells her that he's been in one bad relationship after another and he wants this one to be right. Ally confides that she's been obsessed with the idea that she's forgotten how to kiss. Larry asks if that could be symbolic of the fact that she's forgotten how to love. Okay, this is my stop. Let me off here. I want to make way for the unicorns and the show tunes...Ally says, "Well. I don't know whether I should feel sorry for myself or whether I should be offended or whether I should be happy that I met someone who can see into me or whether I should walk out on a guy who has no idea who or what I am." Or you could just shut up, Ally. There's always that. Larry tells her, "Well, I guess that's your call there." Ally says it's crazy to try to work this out while they're working against each other on a trial. She peels out, leaving Larry to say, "I talk too much," to himself and his chair.

John's closing statement is about Kimmy's Loser Teen Years and how she spent them preparing to be a lawyer. "Believe in God? Well, you keep it to yourself. Frown on pre-marital sex? Well, the joke's on you," he tells the jury. "The virtuous -- how can we respect them? They're just stupid. They miss out on all the good stuff." Yeah, especially if they're fat. John sarcastically says that Kimmy was silly for thinking that she could succeed through hard work alone. His closing was actually pretty good, for once.

Larry's closing is all about Ally. He talks about a woman who's afraid to succeed and who builds a shell around herself. "Everything could have worked out here. All she had to do was let it." Of course you know he's going to win because he was speaking to Ally's heart and the whole show is a figment of Ally's imagination, anyway. I've finally figured it out. Now it all makes sense. I have to admit that if I hallucinated a law firm, fat chicks would occasionally win cases and my coworkers would date transsexuals with impunity. I guess that's why there's no show called Gwenny McZeal -- it wouldn't be enjoyed by a low enough common denominator.

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Ally McBeal

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