Ally McBeal
The Man With The Bag

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The Man With The Bag

Elaine sings "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" in this total dog-chow-looking zebra-print dress as Mark dances with Jamie. "She's pretty good," says Ally. "Well, she studied dance..." starts Larry. Ally tells him, "I meant Elaine," and he's all like "D'oh" and Ally's all like "What FRICKING ever." Larry asks if she's okay and she acts like she is.

Elsewhere in The Bar, Richard tells Ling that he doesn't want to follow Elaine with their act. "Richard, you heard us. We're good," says Ling "Natasha" Woo to Richard "Boris" Fish. Ling doesn't think the Bar patrons will be able to tell that they're lip-synching.

Nelle guilt-trips all over herself while John watches. She thinks her dad's schizophrenoform is her fault, because the two of them hadn't really talked since she was seven and still into Santa and the Chipmunks. John points out that Nelle's dad quoted a Henry Van Dyke poem in his testimony. Nelle says, "Teach me more, great guru. Let me sip from your font of wisdom." John takes out his Inspirational Sayings note pad and jots down a few stanzas and Confucius quotes for her.

Richard and Ling, who's now in a fedora, pretend to sing that "Hey Paul, Hey Paula" song while their co-workers and the tons of extras look on in repressed disdain. Jamie sneaks up to Larry and tells him that she lied. There was no deposition. She only came into town to hook up with Larry again. She still loves Larry, and Sam needs him. Richard and Ling plug on. Ally turns and notices Larry's and Jamie's tête-à-tête. Her face is sad, like a sad little frog's.

Renee sings "I'll Be Home for Christmas." What happened to the no-singing office party plan, huh? Okay, get ready for the best acting Famke Janssen's ever done... She tells Larry that she had to come to Boston because "there's something different about this Ally McBeal, isn't there?" She looks all broken up and desperate, as if Ally really is the most amazing woman on earth, or even in the running. "So now we know," says my dad. "This is the broad who put the cocaine in Robert Downey's room." Continued thanks to my dad for watching the show with me, even if he does actually seem to like it. Elaine bumps into Jamie, fakely apologizes, and informs Larry that Ally's left. Then she tells Jamie, "I'm not loving you so much." Then her Vibra plays "Jingle Bells." I didn't want to laugh, but I had to laugh. You understand, don't you? I've been under stress.

Somehow Nelle's dad's hearing is almost over. The defense argues that Daddy Claus is delusional. John argues that his delusion isn't harmful and that no one has proven that Nelle's father isn't Santa Claus. He paraphrases the "Yes, Virginia" letter extensively, talks about faith and new-born babies, and yammers about some other stuff, too, while the "touching" music plays softly. My dad points out that John claimed to have quoted the "New York Sun" and not The New York Times. We wonder if there were royalty issues.

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Ally McBeal




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