Ally McBeal
The Musical, Almost

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The Musical, Almost

Renee sings flat-as-hell that there's a party at her house tonight. Red sings a line, and then Randy Newman appears at the piano and sings the rest of the song while the firm members dance. Ling shoves Georgia off of Richard so she can cut in. Gotta love violence against blondes! Ling wants to get back with Richard. She misses "that shallow thing" they had. Nelle stumbles out of the restroom. John wants to be honest with her, so he tells her she has vomit on her nose and then walks away. Nelle is dissed. Gotta love it when blondes get disrespected!

Ally gets home and finds her dad sitting in her living room in the dark. Creepy. He apologizes for missing Billy's funeral. He wanted to avoid seeing her hurt. Ally asks to hear the song he wrote. Since when do Ally and Renee have a piano, anyway? George seats himself at it and plays. Let me just type out all the lyrics so you can see how lame they are.

She's a real emotion girl
Wears her heart on her sleeve
Every little thing you tell her she'll believe
She really will
She even cries in her sleep
I've heard it many times before
I never had a girl who loves me
Half as much as this girl loves me
She's a real emotion girl
Eighteen years she lived at home
She was Daddy's little girl
Daddy helped her move out on the world
She met a boy who broke her heart
She's very, very careful, yes she is
She's a real emotion girl
Lives down deep inside herself
She turns on easy, it's like a hurricane
You would not believe
You gotta hold on tight to her
She's a real emotion girl

Throughout this song, Ally sat on the sofa and grimaced with glycerin in her eyes. There were sepia-toned flashbacks, too. It was supposed to be really touching but it didn't work. I even tried imagining my dad writing a song like that for me. I see us at the Casio. I sit on the filthy plaid couch and bawl as he sings:

She's a real bitterness girl
She watches stupid TV shows, takes it out on the world
She gets paid money to suffer through the dreck
She's a real cattiness girl
She sees Time magazine saying Ally's a role model
She's a real cynic girl

There are black-and-white scenes of me in times past -- sitting in this chair, looking at my tiny TV and then at my monitor, rubbing at my temples and mouthing curse words. There. Now I'm crying.

THE SEASON IS OVER! YAY! I'm hitting "Send," throwing my mortarboard into the air, and running out the door. Woo! KISS MY ASS, ALLY MCBEAL!

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Ally McBeal




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