Ally McBeal
The Obstacle Course

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Women Are Dogs, Too

Larry's chugging Coke in front of Ally's open refrigerator when Jackson walks up all shirtless and wet as if he just had sex with Renee and was too rude to towel off before walking through the public areas of the apartment. Jackson informs us that he's "a little parched." Shut up, Jackson. Larry steps aside so that he can pull a huge water bottle out of the refrigerator, neither of them mindful of the fact that electricity costs money. Or maybe they are mindful, but they don't care because Ally and Renee are their sugar mamas. Or maybe lawyers just don't have to care because they make so much money. But, then again, it seems like if they made that much money, they could afford to rent two separate apartments. So I don't know. It's a mystery to me. Larry does some convulsive-looking movement with his stomach, prompting curiosity from Jackson. Larry explains that he's doing "torso flexes" so that he can look more like Jackson. Then he does a mocking imitation of Jackson's walk. Ally comes in and pulls her "break it up, you two" routine, which is always annoying. Shut up and let them fight, Ally. It's one of the few things holding the show together. Jackson and his wet torso chug at the water bottle, capturing Ally's intense attention. He rubs at his own skin for no reason at all. Take a shower, Jackson. Ally does a chopping-motion with her teeth. It's not pretty. It's so not pretty, it makes me want to kick her in the head. She stares and does her physical non-comedy while Larry drags her away. The she comes back for a second look. I could be wrong, but in my experience, most women are able to control their physical reactions to good-looking people. It's not like Jackson's supernaturally hot, either. His arrogant attitude knocks several points off his taut abs, if you ask me.

Morning meeting. John plays with his ears as Richard assigns a case to Ally. Client Douglas McGrath is being sued by a woman he met online. She was disappointed by his looks after meeting him face-to-face, and decided to sue him for fraud. Ally moans about taking this case because she's used to using the office just as a place to conduct relationships and not to do actual work or anything. Jackson announces that he's defending one Michael Something-man, who is being sued for ruining his ex-girlfriend's wedding. Jackson needs back-up. Richard asks around. Everyone moans, because they're all lazy bastards. Of course, Ling ends up being the one to partner Jackson, so that they can continue their boring, chemistry-less plotline. Elaine comes in to announce that Cassandra "Bernadette Peters" Lewis is there. John expresses surprise. Nelle asks who Cassandra Lewis is, as if she would be jealous over a jerkrod like John. Richard explains that she's John's "L.A. wattle."

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Ally McBeal

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