Ally McBeal
The Obstacle Course

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Women Are Dogs, Too

Anonymous courthouse room. Ally meets with Douglas and advises him to settle for $10,000. He refuses, saying that he's being sued for "being a little person." I notice that Ally's hair has gotten longer and that it's been combed. Douglas gives us his sob story about how his little father told him that no normal-sized woman would ever love him. This is a lot like Gilbert "Fat, Bald" Richguy's speech in the last episode. However, this one is more obvious in its expression of the Kelley American dream, which is that all men, no matter what they look like, deserve a conventionally attractive female mate. Notice that Gilbert pined for a thin woman, and Douglas hopes for a woman of "normal" size. Would Douglas ever date a dwarf? Could Gilbert be happy with a fat (or bald) woman? Those questions don't even make sense in the context of this show, do they? Maybe I'm wrong, though. Maybe next week we'll have an episode in which a fat woman sighs because she wants love with a glossy thin woman like everyone else. Then everything will become a blur and my head will swirl too hard for me to complain anymore.

Conference room. Jackson, Ling, their client, and their opponents babble. The scene ends with Michael declaring his undying love for Sylvie. That's the only part you need to know about, because that's the impetus for Jackson's incongruous actions later. Bye, Sylvie. Hope you go on to better bit parts.

The Restaurant. John and Cassandra have lunch. She throws herself at him and he runs through his repetoire of shocked and prissy facial expressions.

Courtroom. Douglas testifies that he purposely refrained from telling Melanie about his stature because he was afraid that she wouldn't come to Boston if she knew. Larry starts his cross-examination by asking for permission to use Douglas's first name. Ally objects, saying that her client doesn't have to accept informality just because he's small. Larry raises his eyebrows at this hardball tactic and goes on with his questioning. Ally objects right and left. Judge Walsh overrules. Larry's questions reiterate the same things we learned from Ally's. The oboe is sad because it knows Douglas is going to lose the case and that it's probably more because of his mid-'80s, thirtysomething-epoch hairstyle than his height.

Ally's apartment. Ally whines to Larry about his alleged bullying of Douglas during the case. She gets all pissy and Larry calmly needles her. "What kind of woman locates love on physical appearance?" Ally asks. I guess she means that she wants to know what kind of woman bases love on physical appearance. She asks whether Larry would have fallen for her if she were "a midget." Larry turns the question around on her. Ally claims she's not big on looks. Larry remarks on her neurotic obsession with her own looks. Ally counters by informing him that she won't sleep with him that evening. Larry acts sad, as if he's missing out on some big treat. Ally sarcastically supposes aloud that Larry will still love her when she's old, wrinkled, and gray. "No," he says. "I'll still love you -- you'll be tall." Don't forget those perfectly contoured buttocks, Larry.

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Ally McBeal

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